When I started writing this post, which was a while back in early January, it felt like the world was spinning out of control. It doesn’t anymore. But then, I felt more anxiety than I have at any point during this pandemic, triggered, I think, by not knowing the right thing to do, and having no idea how the situation would turn out, which are my least favorite things.
When Gabe tested positive for coronavirus, I wasn’t worried about how sick he’d get - he seemed fine - but I had a lot of questions about how to return to normal life (aka “normal life”).
I ruminated on many unhelpful thoughts and asked myself many unanswerable questions, including: It’s been several days and the rest of us have continued to test negative, which is confusing because I figured we all would get it. What if Aidy gets infected by Gabe (since we aren’t isolating him in any capacity) but she doesn’t get infected until day 5 of his infection, and then she doesn’t exhibit symptoms until 5 days after that? And then she infects the entire neighborhood? Not probable, but what if? Should I send them back to school? Is it wrong to keep them home from school when vaccinated children don’t have to quarantine anymore? Or am I being extra cautious? OR am I being extra RECKLESS by having my unaffected children quarantine with my infected one?
I know: ridiculous. But the beginning of 2022 felt particularly like a throw-your-hands-up-in-the-air and yell some expletives moment to me. Like a rather fraught time. Like I was doing everything wrong, or maybe right, but - bottom line - it didn’t matter, because I had zero control.
The world feels much better now: as a whole, and in my head. I decided to leave the title, though, because the world, it tends to get that way from time to time! Your world might be that way now and, surely, mine will be again at some point in the future.
Importantly, in times like this, I have learned to learn hard into some habits, some meaningful challenges and pure joys to help me navigate the sea of uncertainty. Because the best remedy for a total lack of control, I’ve found, is focusing on the things you can. Here are some of my recent, as well as tried-and-true favorite things, that help me feel better.
1. Over New Year’s, my friend Preet gave me ingredients to make homemade chai…Ajwan, cardamom, fennel and loose black tea, as well as provided instructions on how to make it, which includes boiling all of the above and adding milk (of any kind) and sugar as desired. It only takes a few more minutes than making regular tea and is so much more enjoyable and involved. Like a little afternoon project to settle the mind and reset the day, and one that - even better - yields a delicious pick-me-up. It’s funny how the cure for feeling rushed, frantic or overwhelmed is often taking a few moments back to do something for yourself, and that this is - ironically - especially true and most crucial when you feel you have the least time to take.
2. Meditating. Actually, though. When I started this post, I had been meditating using the Ten Percent Happier app, and was doing a challenge they’d recently launched called “Getting Unstuck,” which I loved and was, perhaps, the first time I’d really stuck with the practice, and could feel some true results. Now I’m doing a one with some colleagues at work called the “Real Happiness” challenge with teacher Sharon Salzberg. I’ve tried meditating on and off for a couple years now. I was most swayed after reading the book, “Wherever You Go, There You Are,” by Jon Kabat-Zinn which was a total game-changer. Just the process of reading the book made me feel more relaxed, more grounded (in fact, I should read it again). Anyway, I’ve tried meditating with and without guidance, and it always resonates; I can see why people claim it changes everything. The problem is that I don’t do it as often as I’d like. Doing a challenge helps. Sometimes meditating feels incredibly hard. Sometimes I feel more peaceful than I have all day. Sometimes I cry. And I always feel curious, a heightened sense of wonder and much more equipped to take on the day.
3. The promise of travel. We have a trip to Mexico coming up. There is a lot I could say about the minor challenges presented by such a trip during such a time, but what I want to impart instead is that they feel well worth the deep joy I’ve experienced in the planning alone. The promise of sun. The excitement that my children will see another part of the great, big world. The reminder that there is a great, big world out there at all.
4. Television you can get lost in and inspired by which, for us, has recently included: Season 6 of “Queer Eye,” “Mare of Easttown” and Rick Steves on PBS whenever we happen to catch it.
5. The brisk and sometimes harsh, but always great outdoors. As I mentioned in my last post, I participated in the “Winter Warrior Challenge” last month (another challenge!) which is a Connecticut-based program where participants pledge to walk or run one mile outside every day in January. There are clearly individuals who sign up to win, racking up the most miles possible, and I am very clearly not one of those. Most of my miles-or-more were ambling dog walks, which the dog, obviously, very much enjoyed, and some of them were painful, with many sub-freezing days this Winter. Yet, although I didn’t always welcome leaving the warmth of home to trudge through whatever weather awaited me - often in the dark after dinner when I realized I’d forgotten to do my mile - I always felt “reset” after. And while running in winter is not my favorite, I could tell Maisie was missing our daily outings once February rolled around and I declared myself “super done with that challenge.” So, today, I put on my running shoes and we headed out for three miles, at first bracing, then just fine. There’s something calming about the cold; how it roughs you up a little and relents as your body eases into it, and I love that we’ve all become intrepid winter warriors these past two years. When it’s all feeling like a bit too much, the frigid air clears the mind. And makes home, whatever awaits, a welcome refuge.
