Of all the times I could be single, I think now is the best time for me to be. As some of you know, I recently moved to New Hampshire. I’ve fallen in Love with the scenery, and even though I am not a huge fan of people, I think it has been a change I needed. I always hated being single, I hated being alone, I liked sharing a connection, but every time I have been in a relationship I have lost myself in it. I could never find the anchor to draw myself back. I always changed or put up with things I would never usually do.
I remember talking to my friend, and she told me it was weird I had even gotten into a relationship. She said, I was always so sure of myself, and so independent that I didn’t need anyone. I think that’s part of the reason I had to leave, I stopped being independent, I stopped doing the things I love because it didn’t fit into my daily life inside of the relationship. I was worried about being gone for too long; I felt guilty for needing to go to the gym after work instead of watching TV. Stupid little things like that, I stopped doing because when I did the things I liked, I wasn’t able to spend “quality” time with the one I loved.
Don’t get me wrong I had one fantastic relationship and one horrible one. Both times I lost myself. Now I realize I shouldn’t have given up the things I love doing. I like watching TV and reading my book, I want to spend two hours at the gym, and I like shopping till I drop. Why should I have to give those things up, or feel guilty? I understand a budget now, and I know technically it’s terrible to shop till I drop, but why did I give up my favorite monthly makeup box. OH! Boxycharm how I miss you, now I can’t even get you back because I am on the waitlist. All those trivial things eventually add up and weigh you down.
If I could go back I would set boundaries, I would stay true to myself and who I am. But I can’t do that, so now I am embracing who I am single.
I am:
1. Someone who cares more about my family than myself
2. Entirely in love with subscription boxes, because I can shop without leaving my house
3. Someone who has an Amazon shopping problem
4. Caring and passionate about the things I love
5. Someone who works out for an hour every day (and shouldn’t have stopped)
6. A private person and people who like me should accept this
7. Super shy till you get to know me
8. Not a party person despite what some people think
9. A person who loves Pinterest and Instagram (where I get all my fun ideas)
10. Someone who is funny, and likes to joke around
11. A person who loves animals more than people
12. Someone who will have a few friends, all who I call my best friends and some will be guys
13. A person who shouldn’t feel guilty for the things I love
I don’t think relationships are wrong; I think they are fantastic growing experiences. I loved almost every single minute of my last relationship, but now that I am not in it I can see why I was unhappy at times. My only goal in life right now is to finish school, not work myself to death, and be the person I was meant to be. If I had set boundaries, and not have been so worried about going out or doing things I love, my relationships could have ended differently. That’s something we learn over time that I wish I had discovered sooner, but that’s part of growing up. You don’t ever realize these things at the moment, only after the fact. We aren’t perfect, I’m not perfect, but I could have set up my relationships differently, and it would have been easier for me.