Day 43 and I’ve already had about 1500 breakdowns, 10,000 doubtful moments, 15,000 bratty, can’t use my words, episodes, 25,000 I am hungry so stay 5 feet back scenes & approximately, 153,456 I Cannah revelations (press link if you don’t understand the reference).
Now lets be clear, compared to the past 27years of my life, these are award winning numbers, the lowest numbers we’ve seen thus far.
As much as I celebrate this as a win I also feel like there is so much room for progress. Ok well to be honest, I only feel like this because my loving husband pretty much read my whole existence last week, during my 153,456th I Cannah revelation. (oops this is the second reference so I’ll give some more time to the people in the back to go press the link)
So boom there I was having my episode. An episode just like many others I’ve had in the past. Mike did what he did best……stayed quiet and observed…. while I did my Otivia thing. Bless that mans’ patient heart because chile, the way I would’ve knocked my own head off my shoulders with the way I was carrying on. He simply waited until I was at about 20 on my 0-60 Brat-o-meter and said the realest thing that I’ve been hearing my whole life but never listened to
“Otivia you have to understand.”
Pause!! First of all, you know he was serious because, WHO IS OTIVIA??? My name is Honey Bunny or even Babes, but Otivia?!
Anyway back to the read.
“Otivia you have to understand. You will always go through stuff. Everyone goes through stuff but you can’t catch and attitude or beat up on yourself when these things Happen. It’s not about what happens it’s about how you respond to the things that happen. Like I love you to the death of me but for real you’ve been acting really wack today “.
So, you ever had someone tell you the truth and you knew deep inside, that it hurt them more to tell you, then it did for you to hear it? Well this was my time. Funny thing, through my peripheral vision I could see him with his chest all puffed out after his speech trying to avoid eye contact .
Before I knew it he had his hand in mine trying to apologize for possibly hurting my feelings. I stopped him immediately and simply said
Sometimes you really have to just listen when people are telling you about yourself. I honestly believe the world is filled with 60% haters, 30% people that don’t know you exist and 10% people that love you down. When that 10% speak….listen.
There is a Guyanese proverb that goes
“Who don’t hear..does feel”
Meaning, if you don’t listen you will learn it the hard way. I don’t want a yes man around me or someone who will praise me at my foolish moments. That would only what? Lets say it together
“That would only positively reinforce my inappropriate behavior” (press link if your’e lost so you can read my post on positive reinforcement)
As annoyed as I initially am when Mike goes all Ivanlya Vanzant on me,
I appreciate him because slowly but surely we are growing and progressing together. And the fact that he believes I have potential to shed my dysfunctional ways, makes me go harder. It took me a while to get but now I do and I am going to work on my responses.
I recently came to the realization while speaking to my sister that my most comfortable emotion is anger. I substitute anger with everything. I trip walking down the street, instead of embarrassment, I’m ready to pop on whoever is laughing. I lose money, instead of disappointment I get angry and try to beat up on myself for loosing it. Mike washes the dishes and leaves the utensils in the sink, instead of frustration, I’m telling him to
I’m all but 5’2 and 3/4ths (don’t debate me). There is no reason for me to be so angry all the time. On top of that I can not even fight. I had one fight in high school (over pure foolery. I actually had the girl that I fought in my house at my last halloween party with her cute self), y’all know about when my mom karate chopped me when I was 18 and then there was that one time my whole family ran outside at 11:00 at night when I still lived in Canarsie, back when the block was still 65% Caucasians, because I was in a physical altercation with a woman who thought I was “allegedly” having an affair with her husband. A FALSE ACCUSATION BY THE WAY but still NOT my brightest moment. Hmm I wonder if I should tell that crazy story.
The point is I don’t have a strong fighting history and unless you’re apart of the UFC I don’t see the point in fighting. So my anger goes no where and the problem is still there. Until at some point it isn’t anymore and in my case that happens very quickly. I am never down and out for too long, some how my come backs happen pretty quickly but just not as fast as my Cash Me Outside reactions.
After Mike Vanzant fixed my life, I really saw my wack ways and promised, I’d work on that part of myself, not only to be a better Otivia, but also a better friend, better aunt, better boss, better wife, better sister & better daughter. I’m really out here trying to stunt on the old me. And I don’t want that to be when I’m 75 years old either. I want to be young enough to experience but old enough to appreciate.
I said all that to say this, when the 10% tells you that you are acting wack just take that L and use it as a lesson. It can only better you as a person and show the people around you, that you aren’t a sociopath. Stunt on the old you and be better everyday you are giving the blessing of opening your eyes in the morning.
You have been an amazing crowd! Get home safely