You ever felt like..
When I was younger I remember…
Over the course of 7 days whenever I began to write I would suddenly stop. Start and Delete. The old Otivia would chalk it up to being so caught up in my head that I couldn’t differentiate or compartmentalized my feelings or thoughts . Not this time. This time I’m going to give myself more credit. I believe for the first time I’m not thinking about anything other than BeingMy Best Self and Living My Best Life. Not for social media or for anyone’s approval or admiration.
I’m still a young and tender jawn (for my young demographic , I see y’all) I want to live the life that I keep “claiming” I want to live. It’s just way harder putting my words into actions because of everything that I’ve previously been taught. It’s difficult to rewire 28 years of living.
“Big part of being an adult is unlearning a lot of shit you were taught by people who didn’t know what they were doing either”
This quote spoke to me on a spiritual level. For the first time in 28 years existing I have to make MY own way. I have to relearn what makes ME happy, what makes ME feel good inside, what fulfills ME. For so long I’ve been just doing, just existing, following a blueprint of an “American Dream” that I have YET to see ANYONE that I know succeed on. Isn’t that a trip? People guilt you into living a certain way but they couldn’t show you the fruits of that labor. For one of two reasons
- They’re on the Kodak Black vibe (*insert dance move here*they don’t wanna see you winning)
- They were fed the same “dream” but never made it so they are putting you on the same wild goose chase
Either way you put it, I WANTS NO PARTS!
I’m over, blaming others for my misfortunes. As I move forward in 2018 I owe it to myself to live my best life. Towards the end of 2017 I started flirting with the idea and It felt so good. I got the good butterfly feeling in my tummy. I giggled and played with my hair will smizing ( Tyra taught me). I flirted with moments of 2017 and it felt good. In those moments that I flirted with living my best life, I remember everything. I could close my eyes and revisit whenever I want. I was present, I was engaging I was really living.
The days of going into a job that I’m great at, to do work that doesn’t fulfill me is over. That was my first domino collapsing. I plan to knock down all the dominoes in such a synchronized strategic way, that once they’ve all falling I can step back and see a whole NEW picture. A picture that I am happy about, that I’m proud of and that I could pass down if someone needed it.
I said that to say this. For the new year and for all of those that will follow take responsibility for your actions. The word NO is not bad when used genuinely. Reclaim your time. Reclaim your sanity. Reclaim your space. Reclaim your energy. Don’t pursue the “American Dream” pursue YOUR DREAMS.
You have all been an amazing crowd. Get home safely