I haven’t been blogging for ages. Then while I was waiting for my laptop to start, I started to think about what story I would write next and then it came to me. Lately I’ve been telling myself that one of these days I’ll get my shit together.
Today is the day. I decided to gather up my “courage” , sit down (be humble, lol) and write this…
Dear no one,
2017 was a tricky year, full of ups and, and also, I feel like this year has come and gone with one blink of an eye. My motto was “ Better an opps than a what if. ” As I look back, I wasn’t afraid to try something new, not for a second. I didn’t doubt myself, I enjoyed every freaking moment of this year. I have learned lifetime lessons. I have said a series of hellos, and few goodbyes. Getting rid of a few toxic people who only brought negativity to my life, made me feel more free and able to appreciate myself.
Few days ago I still wanted some answers. About my best friend and some changes of his (as I waited for that call of explanation that never came). About my two friends for whom I’ve realized I was nothing but a laughing matter (while they forget the fact that I was the one who introduced them to each other). About him who has chosen the wrong girl and now regrets it.
Now? I don’t give a damn for those answers. I’ve got my closure. I have changed my ways. Sure, they will notice the change in my attitude towards them but won’t notice their behavior that made me change it that way. But that’s just the way it is. When I don’t feel loved, I don’t crave nor beg for that love. I run away. The more distant I act, emotional drifting occur and I feel better. I FEEL FUCKING AMAZING. HELLO 2018!
But…I feel like…
I didn’t say anything to you. THAT’S THE ONLY THING THAT WAS LEFT UNSAID IN 2017. I don’t regret it. It had to be done that way only. Each day I relive the most memorable moments with you while we are laying on bed listening to my Sound Cloud playlist on repeat. My smile can’t escape me. It’s not love when you’re in love with someone. Panta rei. Nor it is the feeling that you cannot control, when you are obsessed with someone and you act crazy and stupid. Panta rei, as well. It’s not even when you put everything on a scale, measure, analyze, calculate. It’s not.
Love is not wild. It’s not selfish, nor calculated. Love is calm. Wise. Love understands. Provides support, comfort, nourishment. That. And when you let go, because someone’s happiness is more important to you than your own.
I’m sad . . .
Because we forgot what love is. Because we’re unhappy. And we learned to live with it.
Yes, I am being pathetic. But that’s just me. I live a fairytale. The joke’s on me.
I have a strong connection with important people in my life. I still care. Even when lost and unbearable. I do. But I love myself a little bit more because in the end I’M ALL I’VE GOT. My now is not my forever.