Ever heard of that?

The first time I heard of it was the summer of 2006. One year earlier, I had started working on the ships with my two weeks on, two weeks off schedule and I was still working for my old employer. It was a flexible job where I could work with only a phone in my hand, organising employees for different events and football matches. In the beginning of 2006 I decided to quit that job to only have the job on the ships. It didn’t take long before I started feeling a bit down, and it accelerated. After less than six months, I went to the doctor believing I was depressed for some reason I couldn’t understand. He, the doctor, must have been before his time and could easily spot my problem after our little chat. He didn’t use the word ‘boreout’ but simply put it ‘you are depressed due to having too little to do’. I laughed. I had a full time job, and a busy life while off. What did he mean, ‘too little to do’? He continued ‘if I don’t sign you off sick for a month at least, you will get depressed, you need the time’. That confused me even more. Not having anything to do, for sure, must be worse in this case, no? I stayed at home for a month, and it actually helped! No doctor have said this, so these are my own thoughts of why: In my case of the ‘boreout’ Syndrome, I need a full schedule or nothing at all. Working ‘a bit’ doesn’t do it for me. So when I went from two jobs to only one, I coudln’t handle it. Taking a month off and doing nothing made me hungry for work and going back, changing my mindset to ‘anything will do’ kind of way. And also, I changed my routines onboard and got more effective in the work I did.

Through the years, telling that story, I still laughed about it. ‘I got signed off sick because I was bored!!’ But me feeling the ‘boreout’ symptoms happened again. And again. And again. Taking online courses at uni helped for a bit. I had periods where I got obsessed with working out or playing golf, that helped. I got a certification in nail-sculpturing (as it is called) just to do my own nails, and I found it very therapeutic so that helped. I also started to notice when I was in ‘danger’ of getting hit by it, and even if knowing I can’t stop it. Three weeks off work is about what I can handle as a holiday, after that I can start to see signs. And after two months, I’m out. I thought studying would count as being busy/working, but it doesn’t. Even if being at a university level, it’s still not enough. It could be that I see it as a hobby, funny enough, and that I feel that it only touches the surface of the subjects I’m studying and isn’t challenging enough. Or it could be that my studies are for my own development and that I’m not performing in a continues way for someone else, if that makes sense.

So, finding out in October 2018 that they were closing down my department in December the same year, I knew what was coming. I had my eyes on February, the two months deadline of my well being. But I forgot…

Early March I couldn’t understand why I was feeling down and so not motivated for anything. Still being on contract for my resignation period, I couldn’t do anything about it either, without it having a huge impact on my economy. Mid April, I was free. First, I got an extra job in a department store. A few hours here and there. Then, one day in the beginning of May, I helped a woman in the queue of a coffee shop who had forgotten her credit card. It turned out she works with recruitment. In her own company. And she wanted to expand the company. Not having enough money to hire, her plan was to get someone in to work as a consultant at first. And she wanted me. Commission based. Just what I needed, I though. I would have time for my studying, and work whenever I could and wanted to. Only… I get paid after a closed deal, when a candidate has signed his or her contract with a client. I can’t live on and pay bills with air. And… It means a lot of cold calls during the expansion period, before even starting with the recruitment part. There’s a reason why I’m no account manager, I don’t like cold calls. Plus… It’s summer and every client I would want to call is on holiday. But hey, I’m in! So here I was, starting my own company to be able to work as a consultant and take a chance on something totally new. The minute I signed our contract, another recruitment company called and wanted me to come in for an interview, I turned it down thinking I wanted to try this first. A big opportunity for me to grow and be part of a company’s expansion.

It’s now July, and my ‘boreout’ symptoms are still noticeable I’m afraid. And as a thinker, I’ve now also added the importance of being an employee with colleagues, routines and to be sat in an office, even though still being flexible, to the list of what I need. My 2017 was for me to put myself first for once. My 2018 was a ‘you don’t have to ask me twice’ year. My 2019 have so far just been a messy mix of feeling lost and unmotivated, not feeling at home (miss the travelling lifestyle) and missing someone (anyone really) to share things with. I miss my 2018 and my spontaneous way so much I would say yes to any suggestion, if there would be any…

Anyway… While I was sat there thinking, my phone went *ping*. Twice. First, another department store in the shopping centre I work in, asking me if I would want a fixed schedule part time job in their store during my studies. Well… Maybe… Better than a few hours here and there like in the other one I thought. Another *Ping*. I got an email from a recruiter asking if I was up for a role as a Business Operation Manager and Sourcing Partner (!!!!). She phoned me and told me more about the role and asked if she could send my profile to her client. Eerh… Yes, you most certainly can do! Afterwards I started questioning her way of working, being a fellow recruiter. My profile wouldn’t be the obvious choice to present to a client. And a good respectable company as well. This role sounds like a more senior role than what I, at the moment, can show for. Wanting it badly, and feeling I could do really well in that position, I’m now probably waiting for a ‘no’ from the company as of tomorrow, or later today. Not having applied for it, but still feeling really nervous about it. It could so very well be the answer and medication for my ‘boreout’ syndrome!

Take a chance on me, the one with potential!

It’s funny how the whole ‘boreout’ syndrome affects you and how it becomes a feeling of boredom in life in general. No highs, no lows. Nothing feels like challenging enough. How it affects and messes with your brain, thinking there is nothing in the world that can cheer you up or at all interest you. The dead end of ‘is this it?!’ And I do try. My mind is not set up for either failure or being bored, so it really tries. And it annoys me that I can’t just snap out of it or use all of this extra time to do something more for me. Which, while typing in those words, reminds me, again, of the promise I gave myself when breaking up with my ex 2,5 years ago. It’s my time to shine! I will put myself first for once! And that job is not over. Yet!