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Chester


A Smile

I've been almost avoiding this, but I think it is important to address, if for nothing but my own peace of mind. I would rank Linkin Park among my top 5 bands. Not number one, but as far as time goes, I have probably listened to their albums more than any other group of artists. 

I spent late, late nights listening to their freshman album when I was right out out high school and early in college. Their messages were often dark and realistic to my mind. They still are. Understanding that other people struggle enough to pen those lyrics touched me. 

Their sophomore album did nothing but increase my love for the group.

Look at Chester and his smile. I have seen so many photos of him smiling and knee deep in adoring fans. No one leaves this for fun. No one leaves their family behind without struggling with the demon of depression. And let's be downright selfish and realize that most people aren't going to leave their riches and stardom behind, unless the weight of their mind pushes them to the end. 


Ignorance is the Only Word

Everyone is welcome to his or her opinion. And, yes, suicide seems like (and in many ways is) a selfish option, but someone condemning another on actions that they cannot understand is IGNORANT. 

In 2014 I tried to kill myself. I would likely have succeeded if I had not been found. I have a wife and three kids. I didn't want to do that to them. As I fell unconscious, I was weeping. The weight of my mind left no room for anything but Pain. I didn't want to impart that pain on others, but I couldn't do it anymore. 

You don't know what is going through someone else's mind. I truly believed, and still do, that if I crossed the divide to the afterlife and ended up in anything but hell, then there was no sense to anything. I deserved hell for my acts, but my mind was too much to bear. The thought of eternal pain and damnation seemed less tortuous than my circumstances.

Who Brings the End

Don't bring the judgement. Bring the love. People need it. The human race used to be much more active. Our days used to be occupied just trying to survive. Early death was common. Today we live long in offices and working jobs that butt-up against millions of years of evolution. Diseases that weren't common have become moreso, including mental illness. Unfortunately our society is quicker to condemn than help. 

Listening to Linkin Park now makes me cry. Over time some feelings will fade, but the feeling of truthful pain will not. No one knows what was going through Chester's mind in the end, but I can tell you that it wasn't a belief that his actions would help the world. Suicide is an act of desperation of a sick mind, not a weak one. Chester Bennington will be remembered for so many things and that is good. I will now remember him as a model for the world that depression and demons are real. The world needs to know that depression can bear down on anyone. It is real and treatable, but cannot always be vanquished. 



This post first appeared on Somehow Forward - My Struggle With Bipolar Depression And Suicide, please read the originial post: here

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