Welcome to the Fold
I am still in a writing funk. When is sit down to compose an entry, I am somewhere between blank and thinking so fast that I cannot keep up with myself. Either way, I am left very frustrated.
Summer has begun for me. The semester finished and now I have a couple of free weeks until a trip out to California and Summer School begins. Without a strong daily structure, I feel somewhat lost. I try to keep my schedule busy with household tasks and chores, exercise, etc; but they don't do enough. I am struggling with ever-encroaching Depression and self-loathing. My stress/depression eating is a constant struggle and I am growing tired of all of it. I need a break, but I almost get more relief from being constantly busy. To me, this is almost a lose lose situation. Busy as hell = depression. Freedom = depression. What exactly equals relief?
Moving Forward
I found out that my therapist will be moving and that I will have to find a replacement. Initially, I didn't realize how upset this was going to make me. But a few hours after finding out I was very distraught. Megan has provided incredible support and we have developed a strong rapport over the last year. Now I have to find it all again. And that is damn hard.
Burning Desire
ECT is still on my horizon. I have met with the Doctor and we went through my history, my current situation, my expectations, and what I would like to do. Right now we are waiting on two things: insurance approval and timing. We could potentially start next week, but the following week I will be out of town for a vacation, which means I should wait until returning from said trip to start treatment. That creates the small problem of waiting and hoping that I can keep my depression and unwanted thoughts at bay until the treatments start creating a positive effect.
I have decided to vlog, video blog, or whatever you prefer to call it about my ECT experience. (I will embed my intro video below.) I don't think I could have done this the first time I underwent ECT. I was not in the right state of mind; however, this time is very different, and I want to let other people see its effects and to also leave a diary for myself, in case I begin losing some of my memories.
I imagine that there will probably some repeats of blog topics if I really do forget some things. Here's to hoping for the best treatment and least side effects. I will be starting with either unilateral or bi-frontal. I am not interested in the bi-lateral/bi-temporal. The doctor stated that he often employed bi-frontal and thought that is was still very effective, which made me pleased. He also uses ketamine in conjunction with other anesthetics to produce better seizures. I laughed to my wife and joked that the term "better seizures" seems to be a bit of an oxymoron, but I know exactly what the doctor means. I cannot say I know a ton about ketamine, but it has been tested as an acute treatment to major depressive episodes. Will the amounts administered be of therapeutic benefit, for the depression directly? Who knows. The doctor did convey that some patients prefer not having the ketamine, because of the feelings and fog they wake up with.
What Page was I On?
After much vacillation, I have decided to take summer school. This is to keep me busy and as somewhat of an experiment. Can I do treatments and school at the same time? Will I remember what I need to pass tests? The questions go on and on. I am working with my therapist, who works with the university, to contact the appropriate person, so that if the treatments interfere with my memory (to a major extent), we can figure out a way around it having a major negative impact on my transcript. More to come on that subject.
I Wonder
I really don't talk to many other bloggers, so it really would interest me to know how much time the average person puts into one entry. There are times that I sit down, with singular vision, and rail out an entry, and at other times it takes me days of coming back to a topic to try and force my way through it. That is more like what I have been dealing with lately.
This post first appeared on Somehow Forward - My Struggle With Bipolar Depression And Suicide, please read the originial post: here
