I am like this boat. At every instant there is a new path to take and, without the proper instruments, it can be nearly impossible to distinguish from where I have come. This week is going to be Difficult. I feel trapped and pressed against a wall. Major tests this week, with finals looming next week. My one hope for this week is that I will be allowed to stay home over the weekend and relish in the peace of solitude, as my family vacations at the coast. There is one major problem with this. I am dealing with serious suicidal ideations and the deal is that if I feel that I will kill myself (or just generally unsafe), then I have to go on vacation with them. As oddly as it sounds, I think that would make things worse. I need and crave my alone time.
I really want to be able to have some silence to study in and I have plans to try out a local state park that offers some of the best hill Hiking. (From what I have been told.) My hiking trip in the Sierra Nevada in June is going to be difficult. I will be packing more weight than usual, at ten thousand feet. I want to be ready. So I got a military backpack belt that I am attaching weights to, to help me work a little harder on my preparation hikes. I have told my wife on multiple occasions, that hiking is "the most enjoyable way to die." I love being beat up and word out. Getting cramps and pushing through. Experiencing new pains and finding a way to still proceed. Hiking is my favorite past time ever. Unfortunately, I don't make time for it much. But I am going to do it, if the family is out of town.
This week's tests scare me. And when I am scared, I get distracted and 'spin my wheels', if you know what I mean. Even right now I am distracting myself by writing. But those of you that read this, I ask that you send up a prayer, send positive vibes, or whatever your thing you do is... for me. Please. I need to make it through the next couple of weeks, without the stress and suicidal thoughts taking over and winning. I don't want them to win.
This post first appeared on Somehow Forward - My Struggle With Bipolar Depression And Suicide, please read the originial post: here