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God Damn Food and its Pull

I have struggled with food for years now. Growing up, I was required to eat extremely healthy because of diet related issues. When I became an adult and moved out on my own, I went the other way. Over the years, my eating habits only declined. For about 5 years I worked a job that allowed me to eat almost anything and maintain my weight, because I spent a good amount of time working my ass off outside and in the heat. When I quit my job to become Mr. Mom, I never improved on those horrible eating habits. As time went on, my eating actually got worse because of boredom, malaise, and Depression. The shame of it lead me to a cycle nighttime binging.

There have been spats where I have gotten some control over my habits and lost some of the weight that I put on. Since we moved to San Antonio, I have struggled more and more with eating. This seems to be proportional to my level of stress. It really is ridiculous, because the binging and eating ends up adding to the depression. This struggle is second only to my suicidal thoughts. The depression is something that I feel I cannot control, only my reaction to it, but the eating frustrates me because I know it can be controlled.

I am striving to control this again. Gone are the days when I try to make grand gestures that explode in my face when I fail. Over the years I have found that trying to make small adjustments to my routine works the best. Right now I am just counting calories. I am not trying to make large changes in what I choose to eat, but I am working on staying under a certain calories count, which helps me keep from binging. The fun of ignoring the binging comes with anxiety, depression, and physical discomfort that leads to insomnia. I find it all extremely stupid.

If I could get back down to a healthy weight and get into hiking shape again, I think it would really improve my depression. Partially because there is almost nothing I enjoy in the world as much as hiking out in the beauty of nature.

This post first appeared on Somehow Forward - My Struggle With Bipolar Depression And Suicide, please read the originial post: here

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God Damn Food and its Pull


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