Obviously this is an extremely complex question that my half-asleep brain cannot fully address, right now; however, that doesn't mean it isn't on my mind. Feelings and emotions mostly drive this question. For years I tried to control these feelings by injecting logic and reasonable thoughts into the downward spiral, with the hopes of stopping it. About 99% of the time it just makes it worse. This week was odd. The new medication I started seemed to have a rather immediate effect and I decided to stop after two days. My suicidal thoughts became incredibly strong. I have lived with them for a long time and know a lot about where they are coming from and where they might lead. The more 'typical' and less Severe thoughts can be mitigated with sleep or distraction. The severe and eminent thoughts are dangerous, because distraction usually doesn't work. The more severe and dangerous the ruminations, the more unpredictable they are (both in cause, onset, and duration). There have been times where I tell Lexi that "I'm not doing well," which is often my way of stating that I am close to needing hospitalization. I hate the wiring of my brain.
Let's start this. My basic questions:
- Who does suicide affect and how?
- Does any of this actually matter and for how long?
- What can I do to stop/cure/etc this?
- How will this affect me after death?
I will have to flesh out my thoughts at a later time, but this usually forms the basis of my pondering. What have I missed?
This post first appeared on Somehow Forward - My Struggle With Bipolar Depression And Suicide, please read the originial post: here