I am not very good at working without background Noise or sounds. Sometimes it is Music or documentaries; sometimes shows I have watched a million times or new to me shows. Mostly, this provides 'white noise' that helps me focus. It is double edged because just as much as it can block out the distractions, it can distract. Over time I have come to a better understanding of what I can watch and when. The problem is that even at home, or in the library, there always seem to be distractions.
The real question that I cannot find an answer to is when exactly it became impossible for me to endure silence. Realistically it was probably when I was young. I used music to fall asleep and often used music while doing homework. It is just part of me. Except now I usually listen to shows or talking programs instead of music. Perhaps I should try going back to music and see if that is less distracting.
Is it bad that I cannot 'enjoy the silence,' as it were? At times I can do tasks in the silence, and at other times it is simply maddening. It's almost as if the quiet allows my brain too much opportunity to reflect and think about, well, anything. And as we all know, thinking is one of my top enemies. It is the thinking that permits the floodgates of depression to take hold.
This post first appeared on Somehow Forward - My Struggle With Bipolar Depression And Suicide, please read the originial post: here