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Figure It Out

The heading for this entry is Meant to reference the fact that I have figured out all of my troubles, finally... I am an idiot. Often times I think I know what is best for me. It seems to be about a 50/50 tossup as to whether I am correct. This week I was not. I have still been struggling with exhaustion and depressive thoughts, so I thought I would cold-turkey my Ability to see if it may be adding to my issues (the exhaustion part, I figured if I was still depressed that cessation couldn't hurt it). Bad idea. Abilify is an atypical antipsychotic. I decided to not take my Sunday dose, and I felt the first effects on Monday. I have not experienced many semi-serious psychotic episodes in my life, but Monday morning was amongst the worst. Part of the experience included paranoia, which I have experienced even less often than psychosis. Being behind the wall of an abnormal episode is very odd. I very much knew what I was thinking was probably wrong, but the thoughts also seemed very probably and likely.

I remember believing that I was probably the pawn of a giant game or show and that everything around me was fake. I was fully convinced that if I could grab a sledgehammer I would be able to break through the road and find that my world was floating on air, like I was on a giant inflatable balloon that supported the show set. That is insane, and I knew it, but that did not change the fact that I wanted to prove that it was correct. The fact that I have gone through the cycle of depression for so many years, flamed the belief that I am not meant to die because the show must go on, and that I am the center of a sick, sick program. As my wife pointed out, I thought I was in a combination of the Matrix and Truman Show. Very accurate.

So, that was fairly horrible, but I did not make the connection. Yesterday I woke up with a horrible, splitting headache. I hit it with various otc meds, but nothing touched it, including caffeine. Today I woke up with the same headache... and that is when the lightbulb went off. After a few minutes of research, it was obvious that abrupt cessation of Abilify could bring on major headaches, and other issues. I decided to stop being stupid this morning and take my Abilify. Four hours later, and my headache has already begun to improve.

Figure it out....idiot.

This post first appeared on Somehow Forward - My Struggle With Bipolar Depression And Suicide, please read the originial post: here

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Figure It Out


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