Time, for me, seems to drag slowly or fly at 100 miles a second. The last week has been so busy that it has just flown by. Sunday was the first time in almost a week, one amazing week, that I have felt the dull pang of depression knocking on my mind's door. However, contrary to the usual decline into the rabbit hole, I made it through with relatively little problem. I believe it is largely because of two things. Primarily, it is that my medications are doing a wonderful job. Thank goodness! Secondly, I derive massive amounts of self worth and joy out of being productive and good at what I am striving for. Work Ethic is a large part of my self-identity. I loathe people without a strong, positive work ethic, so when I feel that is where I am at, I hate myself. This last week has been a positive self-feeding cycle of an improved state of mind leading to working longer, harder, and better.
I can't say for one second that I have not been stressed, but these things have kept me going. The preceding months have worn down my belief that things can get better and more importantly STAY better. But right now I have hope. That in and of itself is a huge change from my norm. After a long regimen of ECT from 2014-2015, I was able to get up everyday and live for living's sake. It made very little sense to me. I have often wondered why people live their lives. What makes people want to do? So many people will get up and live, even if they hate it. This makes no sense to me, but even I used to have the will to get up and live and work and find joy.
Only time will tell where this takes me, but I would enjoy getting back to the time where I could live life, without questioning whether I should.
This post first appeared on Somehow Forward - My Struggle With Bipolar Depression And Suicide, please read the originial post: here