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To Whom the Joy Shows

The other day in therapy, I Voiced my reserved excitement towards my wife noticing that I was doing well and waiting for her to comment on it. I had a great week and felt that I was not just doing better, but also acting like it. Then the truth came out. My wife and I have somewhat opposite schedules. She works stretches and I am at school a great deal of the time. When we are together I am often venting about stress or show major signs of exhaustion. At first I was shocked when she voiced her concern about me not doing well, or possibly doing worse. I told her I was doing really well, but that I was simply exhausted from my schedule and days of poor sleep. 


I sat there and thought for a minute and realized she doesn't often get to see the good parts of my day. This is something that I think I actually have enough power to show her now. I am still doing well, and I want her to know that is how I feel. Life is difficult but it is not horrible. From here on out I am going to try and shower her that I am enjoying where we are and what we are doing. The stress is still there, but I don't want her to think that everything is so horrible that I wish things were different.

I feel like the last couple of weeks have been a strong transition from where I started writing. I still have dark feelings, but I am uncomfortable addressing some of them at this point. When will I be ready to address some of my underlying questions about suicide and depression? Maybe never, despite how much better I feel. There have been times I tried to understand or address them, only for the thoughts to drag me down the rabbit hole. Perhaps some things are better left undiscovered.


This post first appeared on Somehow Forward - My Struggle With Bipolar Depression And Suicide, please read the originial post: here

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