The other day in therapy, I Voiced my reserved excitement towards my wife noticing that I was doing well and waiting for her to comment on it. I had a great week and felt that I was not just doing better, but also acting like it. Then the truth came out. My wife and I have somewhat opposite schedules. She works stretches and I am at school a great deal of the time. When we are together I am often venting about stress or show major signs of exhaustion. At first I was shocked when she voiced her concern about me not doing well, or possibly doing worse. I told her I was doing really well, but that I was simply exhausted from my schedule and days of poor sleep.
I sat there and thought for a minute and realized she doesn't often get to see the good parts of my day. This is something that I think I actually have enough power to show her now. I am still doing well, and I want her to know that is how I feel. Life is difficult but it is not horrible. From here on out I am going to try and shower her that I am enjoying where we are and what we are doing. The stress is still there, but I don't want her to think that everything is so horrible that I wish things were different.
I feel like the last couple of weeks have been a strong transition from where I started writing. I still have dark feelings, but I am uncomfortable addressing some of them at this point. When will I be ready to address some of my underlying questions about suicide and depression? Maybe never, despite how much better I feel. There have been times I tried to understand or address them, only for the thoughts to drag me down the rabbit hole. Perhaps some things are better left undiscovered.