A big question on my mind is whether the adderall is truly treating me or just helping me live life. By treating me, I mean directly addressing any aspect of my mental illness or treating the symptoms of it. I do feel that it helps me concentrate better, but I also feel that it increases my energy. I benefit from both, but I am concerned I may be getting addicted to it, even if very minutely. My mental condition is directly related to how much work I can get done and how well of a job I do. Obviously if I am focused and energized, then my mental condition improves. Energized may be a bit of an overstatement. It mostly prevents fatigue and exhaustion from overwork and stress. It does improve my efficiency and decreases my mental stress.

Back to the million dollar question... is that actually treating my underlying cause or simply helping me for the moment. I know my disease is a lifetime struggle. It isn't going anywhere and I cannot expect a permanent cure. However, I don't necessarily want a treatment that is a crutch, that will set me up for larger failure in the future.

The actually reason behind my inquiry at all is that I have felt less "stable" lately. I would prefer being less happy but on more of an even keel when it comes to my daily emotions. Having a wonderful day, just to wake up with strong feelings of hopelessness for no reason is not something I want to deal with. So, the question being, can adderall address an aspect of my depression while actually destabilizing the bipolar aspect? I have also been experiencing more anxiety, to the degree that I have to medicate it. Xanax and I get along, but only while I am taking it. If I ever get addicted to that again, I will be set up to go through hell. Therefore I take it sparingly and it almost gives me an anxiety attack even taking it. I will be discussing all of this with my doctor next week.

Which makes me think more about ECT. I don't think I've written in detail about my experience with the treatment, but my depression had more recently gotten down to the point at which I was considering the treatment again. It did not have drastic side effects on me, like some people have had, but they were considerably more than I would like to go through. If my current doctor cannot work me through to better stability by spring I will most likely find a doctor that is willing to prescribe me ECT.