The simple act of being alone with myself in the silence, without any music or other noise is maddening to me. I don't know why. This slowly came on over the years. I love my wireless headphones. They provide constant entertainment, but when I have to be alone in the quiet, my mind starts to melt down. It sounds incredibly ridiculous that such a simple thing would cause issues, but it's true.
I don't know if it is an addiction, or the fact that I have a unquiet and wandering mind. When there is a show or music playing, my mind is distracted, but when it isn't it starts to question my life and motives, almost out of nowhere. Unfortunately, listening to anything while I am working on particular school tasks just isn't functional. You would think that busying my mind with detailed tasks would quiet it, but that isn't always the case.
A few weeks ago I tried to do biofeedback, and about 5 minutes into it I just couldn't take it anymore. Trying to focus on peace is like driving spikes under my nails. It makes me incredibly anxious. I will continue to search out a solution to this with my therapist. I wonder what it will take.
This post first appeared on Somehow Forward - My Struggle With Bipolar Depression And Suicide, please read the originial post: here