Your loss feels fresher than usual today, mom.
I miss you. I’ve been missing you for months.
Your laugh, the way you’d get excited over things and carry on so cutely, the way you’d glare and cut your eyes when someone was pissing you off. I can see you so clearly in my mind’s eye.
My heart is absolutely broken. I thought I knew heartache before, but I have never experienced a blow like this. Watching you die slowly, in real-time, has been the worst experience of my life. I would have traded places with you in a heartbeat to not have to see you the way I did, so that you would not have had to suffer the way you did. I am so sorry.
I think a lot about how many people will enter my life without having known you, without having been loved by you. They will never know what they missed out on when it comes to you. I will tell them the truth: my mom was the best. But everyone says that, if they’re Lucky. You really were the best, though. The real MVP as I liked to call you. The best mommy ever. The shiniest star.
I feel so lucky to have known you. I feel so lucky to have been your daughter, to have held your hand, to have walked through life supported by you. You were always rooting for me, always believing in me even when I didn’t believe in myself. You often gave me the tough love I needed, and I am so appreciative of all of the different facets of motherly love you provided to me over the years.
Your absence will always be noted by me, especially on nights like tonight where I am wishing with every fiber of my being that I could call you. You’d know immediately that something was wrong, even if I thought I sounded pretty normal. You’d coax it out of me, tell me to talk to you. You could always tell, even when I’d done an excellent job of fooling everyone else. I know it will get easier with time, that I’ll cope better as the days go by. I will always want to call you, though.
Tonight, it feels like just yesterday I was forcing you to hold my hand for no reason other than I wanted to feel close to you. You thought I was weird, but you always let me anyway.
This is still so new, and I am so, so hurt, and I Hope you knew how much I love you mommy. I hope you knew how I would’ve done anything in my power to keep you here. I hope you knew how irreplaceable you are.