We all love sexual intercourse for many reasons. Not only are there fun things that happen to our body and mind every time we engage in doing the deed, there are proven health benefits, too. One being you aren’t just gettin’ some, you’re also burnin’ some. So go ahead and have that second piece of pie if you plan on partaking in some lust and thrust later tonight.
And if you’ve ever wondered just how many slices of pizza you actually burn roasting the broomstick, I am the bearer of good news: There is now a smart condom called the i.Con that will be exclusively sold by British Condoms. It’s a Fitbit for a dick and lets you know how you actually rate between the sheets because we all need another way to be judged.
British Condoms asks in its description of the new love-stick meter, “Have you ever wondered how many calories you’re burning during intercourse?”
Maybe once or twice, especially if I’m super hungry and horny.
“How many thrusts?”
No, who cares. As long as the job gets done and we are having fun, who’s counting? Math has no place in my orgasm.
“The duration of your sessions?”
If I didn’t fall asleep, we are probably good.
“How many different positions you use in the period of a week, month or year?”
I am losing interest. I only want to know if I can win some sort of prize. Besides, most people want quality over quantity, am I right?
“Ever wondered how you stack up to other people from around the world?”
Yes! This is exactly the kind of ridicule and judgment we all want to be exposed to. What the actual fuck?
The i.Con isn’t really a condom at all, but rather an adjustable ring that fits over a condom and will retail for $80.99. This sex score-keeper is expected to be available in late 2017.
It’s reusable, waterproof, and has a USB port so you can easily charge it and try to out-perform yourself the next time you want your flower pollinated.
British Condoms says it utilizes a nano-chip and sensors “to measure and remember a number of variables during your sessions.”
Cool, since I can’t find an app to get my life together, I might as well use one that tells me I can do it 6 different ways over the course of a month to make me feel better about myself.
And get this: Once you are done buttering each others’ biscuits, you can then use the i.Con app and download all the dirty details because surely you’d rather do that than snuggle, pass out, or grab some grub and go for round two. Not.
If someone is craving a gold star, British Condoms says users will “have the option to share their recent data with friends, or, indeed the world.” Oh Lordy.
Because surely we all want the fact we went at it missionary style for 5 minutes, then doggy style for exactly 2 seconds before we got our rocks off broadcasted to the entire universe.
The company says the skin-flute tracker will only be available on their site at first, but has hopes it will be available in stores everywhere before long.
Goodie. It’s just what the world needs right about now, wouldn’t you say? A Fitbit for the ol’ dick dick. What a time to be alive.