For reasons still not fully understood, the “Xtreme Football League” (XFL for acronym purposes) is back after an 18-year hiatus.

Yay.

The near two-decade absence of the XFL was even more popular than the actual one-year (ish) life of the old XFL. Just kicking the facts here, fellas.

Yep, the Vince McMahon vanity project of unextraordinary magnitude was slightly more popular than the WNBA, but now they’ve got a plan, or at least enough of an idea for a freaking 40+ minute FAQ video. 

Watch if you dare.

Because I think we are all fairly certain that the actual football that will take place on glorified high school football fields will suck mightily, let’s take a look at the brand spanking new logos of the fledgling XFL. SPOILER ALERT: Not all of them suck too bad.

Dallas Renegades – Grade: D-

Dear God and all things Holy: Please, please, please don’t let the Dallas Renegades win a championship before my beloved Dallas Cowboys. 

Oh yes, and the logo. Well, to quote my grad school English professor after reading my first feeble attempt on a James Joyce-infused essay: 

“This simply won’t do.”

It looks like it was designed by an average 14-year-old middle school student in a fairly one-sided contest.  Sure, if that was the case, this kid is probably going to rock at least a solid b-minus freshmen year in Art class. 

DC Defenders – Grade: B

Okay, the team name makes sense. 

After all Washington DC is the political focal point of the gall darn USA! #Merica

You know, I wanted to bag on this name.  I really, really did. But after doing some cursory research, I quite like it. It possesses solid alliterative properties thanks to dropping the “Washington,” and it avoids confusion too as nimrods routinely think that DC is in Washington state. 

Plus “Senators” and “Nationals” have been used to death over the years. Well played, DC, well played. 

Houston Roughnecks – Grade: D-

Oh wow, it’s an oil rig everybody!

Sweet.

I bet that’s never been used before to denote something as from Houston!

No one associates Houston with the oil industry! I mean, why would they?

It’s only one of the largest oil-producing cities in the freaking world.

And Roughnecks? XFL, please.  Perhaps “C-Level Billionaire A-holes” wouldn’t fit on the jersey.  But it sure does have that sweet, sweet ring of truth.  

Los Angeles Wildcats: Grade – F+

Well, the name was first used in the old AFL circa 1926. So it’s got an interesting history to it.

The logo and the nauseating colors could only be the product of a 2019 fever dream. It’s as if to save money in hiring a graphic designer, they just had a brief meeting of the “minds” and spun a wheel of cheesy fonts. Evidently said wheel must have landed on Calibri Suck.

Mustard yellow (maybe orange, I don’t know I’m a dude so I might be color blind) and red? It looks you’ve had too much chips, queso and salsa and in true Los Angeles fashion decided to save yourself the calories by forcing yourself to puke it up.  And ouila! You have the logo of the lowly LA Wildcats. 

New York Guardians: Grade – C

Okay, how about the Brooklyn Bulwarks? Just me, huh?

Okay I get it.  Look maybe it’s because I hate all things New York sports-wise (I’ve visited the four boroughs and found them quite delightful), but the Yankees, Giants and Mets can suck it.

But “Guardians” sounds a bit too easy.  I’d much prefer the New York Black Knights of Death!

Now, that’s got some punch! Sure it might be a bit too chewy for broadcasters to get out cleanly. But what about the Big Apple Bastions?

It’ll help kids prep for the GRE and it sounds bad-ass! Right?

Seattle Dragons: Grade – C-

Okay Seattle, we see you. 

A dragon is always a solid choice for a mascot.  I mean, they breathe fire and they also single-handedly (almost) made Game of Thrones watchable. But why is the Dragon only one-headed?

In today’s world of kick-ass special effects, why NOT make the dragon have six, maybe seven heads…all of which are dripping blood and saliva. YES!

And put an e-cig in one of its many mouths, because you’ve just got to cross-promote in today’s world. The Seattle E-Cig Puffing Dragons! Yeah that’s not real good but whatever.

St. Louis BattleHawks: Grade – Expelled for hacking the USAF Logo

Hmmm, this logo sure does look familiar doesn’t it? United States Air Force anyone?

And look, if you’re just going to completely make *hit up to suit your team’s logo needs, why not make it sound better than BattleHawks?

Like Diamond Firetails of Death? It’s got a nice ring to it. And it doesn’t come from a freaking video game.

Alternate Logo:

Now we’re talking XFL! Consider this punishment for little to no word at all about the only thing anyone even cares about:

Cheerleaders.

C’mon guys.  Allow me to throw my pom-poms in the ring and suggest where you could fill out a pretty dang sweet roster of hotties for the XFL Cheer leading squad. You’re welcome.

Tampa Bay Vipers: Grade – F–

Wow. They really swung for the fences with this logo didn’t they?

Sarcasm, catch the fever.

I mean you have something as cool and awe-inspiring as a freaking VIPER and rather than poison-dripping fangs of death you go with a lazy “V” outlined in Kelly Green and 70’s Shag Carpet Yellow?

C’mon guys.Are you effing kidding me? 

@BarroomGenius

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