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My selfish humanity

It been more than a year since my last post. I have thought about many many times before today, but the words never came to me. What was I suppose to talk about? Everything was the same. No new news on anything about my thing, my disorder, my FND. I quit going to the therapist and the psychiatrist mostly because of money and time, but I do hope to return some time soon if time will allow. In August of this year I began working as a special needs aide for a high school until I passed my NBCOT exam, which I finally did in November. The only thing I am waiting on now is my license to practice. In the mean time my Love life fell apart. I cheated on my fiancé a week and a half before our wedding. I can give you a million excuses as to why and try to stress how lonely and scared I was when he began to put me on the back burner again, but in the end I am the one that committed the betray and a month later he moved out. Up until last week when I discovered he had lunch with my best friend, who he was suppose to stay away from) we had at least remained friends, but now I ask him to give me plenty of notice when he wants to spend time with the kids so that I can make plans to not be home. Maybe I’ll explain that situation later too, but right now I just don’t want to talk about it. Right now

I am dealing with my new health issues fatty liver, kidney stones and GERD and most recently abnormal cells I need to have a biopsy for in January. On a day to day basis my life is pretty mundane, but summing it up like I am now and I…I want a break. I want my body back to what it was when I was 30. I don’t mean the weight or the muscle. I mean just the over all health. The entire month of October of this year I spent in bed in pain or taking trips to the bathroom. The bloating and stomach pain I had been telling my PCP  about for over a year wasn’t being taken seriously. Everything kept getting blamed on the possibility of menopause. Why is it every time they can’t find answers they throw something random out there? So, I switched doctors summer of 2019 and she found stuff and then I had to visit specialists and then that specialist sent me to a specialist and that lead to a camera down my throat. I finally have answers for that. I’m not dying. Its not cancer. This has always been my go to state of mind to make me feel better about what’s going on with me in comparison to what others have to go through. Then early last month after a routine well woman check up results came back showing abnormal cell due to HPV. I’ve never had HPV before and I’ve never had abnormal labs before. I know many woman have to go through this and often its false positive more than anything else, but I can’t help but think is this punishment for my infidelity or because I’ve said over the years ‘I’m not dying. At least I don’t have cancer”. Or is it just because I am human and its just my turn, my pick of the straws.

It sin’t all bad. Ive discovered that I would much rather be alone by myself than be alone in a relationship, which I was and now that I am alone by myself I have rediscovered myself.  I am not longer dependent. I don’t know why but I fell back into dependency. It was nice to have someone there to keep me safe again, instead of doing it by myself, but at the same time I began to loose my identity and I began to become a weight to the man I was going to marry. That’s how I felt anyways and I think in the end he subconsciously felt it too, though he would never admit it. I no longer feel the guilt of keeping him down with my health. I no longer feel the guilt of not being more for him, though he never asked me to, but then he never…

I am doing it again by myself. I am making a living and keeping a roof over our heads. My children have not gone hungry or homeless despite my measly salary and I am back to my ways of figuring out how to Pinch Pennies here and there. I am no longer in denial that I love to find creative ways to make pennies or pinch pennies using coupons or discounts or apps or whatever. Its difficult when I come up short. For example in 5 to 6 days mortgage payment is do and I’m short about $800 bucks thanks to Christmas and needs. The challenge is to make that money before its due. My next check doesn’t come in until 5 days after mortgage is due.  Since August this is the first time I have had this issue, but not the first time in my life. I will figure it out.

I have also decided to begin working on my art as well as my writing. Eventually I will post pictures on here showing my work. Maybe.

Last but not least I continue to see than man I cheated with thought not often as he lives very very very far away. It wasn’t just a fling. It was a friendship with someone I knew in college. Surprise right? Cliché much. I am still not sure if its love he and I are feeling or if he and I were just so very lonely in our relationships. We’ve tried to cut ties complete on many occasion but somehow something always keeps pulling us back to each other.

So whats keeping us. So many things. One I discovered….no I finally admitted I also like girls. I told my brother this a few months ago. He wasn’t surprised at all. He said his husband pointed it out first, but overall he knew all along too. Yes, my brother is gay too. And odd enough it was the man I cheated with that noticed it and has been the only person ever to confront me about it. Up until then I just blew off my attraction to woman as an artistic thing. I noticed them because of my artistic eye. That was bullshit I told myself. Why couldn’t I just face it. My brother was so brave and everyone pretty much knew anyway way before he came out to us, we just needed conformation, but me. Some people could tell and some couldn’t. Maybe its my strong attraction to men. Men are beautiful. Their bodies, their voices, the way the move, the way they make me feel and I just melt. With women I caught myself looking and then forcing my gaze away, but every now and then, I can count them in one hand there have been woman who I couldn’t stop thinking about, who eyes would lock with mine, whose hugs (if we were friends) made me melt as well and I’d become so awkward. One of my daughters also likes boys and girls and she too was brave enough to say something. I wasn’t surprised. I recognized the same in her as I did in me, but even then I couldn’t come out. It took my unfaithfulness with a man I fell in love with years ago to point it out to me. And believe you and me that discussion was surprisingly supportive as well as conflicted.

Drama! I think subconsciously I love drama.

There is so much more to tell, but I am waiting for a phone call from the man that truly knows me better than I know myself to discuss our meetup in two days.

This post first appeared on When Your Body Betrays You, please read the originial post: here

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My selfish humanity


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