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*I wrote this blog post in late 2012 during an extremely stressful period in my life. I never posted it for whatever reason. People always tell me that I need to update my blog and post more. I write considerably, but a lot of times I don't post what I write because I write more for my own therapy. I'm posting this now because we all go through dark times and it sucks, but sometimes you just got to put your head down and keep plugging through storm. It's always greater later.*
Most people who I work with see me, and I always have this stressed look on my face. Because truth be told I am always stressed. In my organization, I feel like I'm the guy to do the stuff that nobody else wants to do. No matter how much stuff I have on my plate, people are always trying to slide a little bit more on. I've tried to understand it. Is it because I can't say no? Is it because I'm reliable? Is it because people know I'll get the job done? I don't have any idea. A lot of things bother me.
Self doubt is a motherfucker. Because in life, most of the time, the only person who will believe in you is you. Everybody isn't going to see the big picture like you do. I struggle with this on a daily basis. Maybe I'm not good enough. That's why I'm in the position I'm in. Maybe I would fall on my face if I did something else. And it changes your demeanor. You start to go to a dark place. And as you're on this journey to this dark place you don't even realize you're going there. So your thoughts become darker. Everything you say and do just becomes so spiteful and angst filled. And a lot of times people find amusement in it. And it's like the world is quietly cheering you on to crash and burn. And all you really want is somebody to just pull you to the side and ask the question. "Hey man are you OK?" Most people never do.
So why am I writing this? I reached that point. I didn't notice that I was even there. Everything I was saying was so bleak. So one day I receive a message from a good friend. The message just had his number and he said give me a call. So when I got home that day I gave him a call. At first we had some small talk. The typical "how's everything going? What's new with you?" And so on and so forth. I gave the typical answers. Life is great, everything is so wonderful. And then he asked me, "are you OK?" "Oh yeah I'm fine, everything is good." "No really, are you OK?" And I just paused for a second. "Yeah I'm good, everything is wonderful." And so he asked me again, "seriously are you OK?"
I've never really had anybody interested in if I was doing fine. I've been on my own since I was a young guy. So in life if shit was bad there wasn't anybody to really tell it to. And a lot of times when you do try to open up to people, when you say what's really on your mind they change the subject or avoid the conversation. Because it's too much for them to handle, or they don't know how to even reply. So I told him how I really felt. I told him that I was sad, stressed out, depressed, and I had a lot of self doubt.
What most people don't know about me is that I constantly blog. A lot more than what is published. I probably have hundreds of unpublished blog posts. I just give the world what I want them to have. The rest is written more for therapeutic purposes. I can't keep some of the things I think and experience bottled in my head.