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If Only I Could Turn Back Time

I was having a good time listening to 90’s pop songs and I ran into Aqua. Made me ask myself, what if I really could turn back time? What if I had a chance to go back to some point of my life, where and when or at what age would it be?

“For once, I want someone to be afraid to lose me. Im always the one terrified of losing the people that I hold close.”

Given the chance, would you go back and change your past? An optimist would answer “No. I’m happy with what I have now. What’s in the past was either gifts or lessons I both benefited from. I have no regrets, and I have nothing to change.”

Eerrgghh. However “happy” and “contented” we are now, we have this little secret of “if onlys”. Stop denying it. So yeah, I’m just gonna be honest and share what I think would be the best time for me to get back to (if given the chance).

“For once, I want someone to be afraid to lose me. Im always the one terrified of losing the people that I hold close.”

I would want to go back to 2009, right after highschool graduation, when I was making a decision of what course/program to take. I would go back to the day of college enrollment, scratch everything ahead of that, and start again.

I would still choose BSA at FEU, but study harder. I would focus on achieving higher grades and make myself an academic scholar for my whole stay. As I did before, I wouldn’t mind taking the qualifying exam and shift to IA rightaway (we had no choice for choosing IA directly before). I would make myself a Cum Laude at least, and use it to have a better job at a better company after grad.

I would still want to work with my old company, but if given the chance, I would audit a bigger bank. Along with my job, I would also work on refreshing IA theories to gain more knowledge and experiences to help myself pass the CIA certification. I wouldn’t stop working hard until I earn that certification; it would be my priority.

When I was at my first year at work, my dad had an operation which had cost us a lot of money. That was really a very unfortunate event, so I had to look for another job that could support me more. I would still take the opportunity of working at a pharma.

Yes, with regards of work, I couldn’t think of a bigger change because I have done a pretty good job as is. I just wanted to experience school again and do better. Lol.

In love, I would never say yes to War (my ex) ever. Yep, one of life’s regrets. Not because he’s a jerk, but my relationship with him made me colder than ice. I became so insensitive, stubborn, and I had no idea I was going to melt in time. So yea, after realizing how cold I was, I melted, became whole again, then I became the most fragile thing i could ever imagined. I became super sensitive, scared, paranoid, etc. What a transformation, eh? So yea, I would never do any kind of relationship with War again.

“For once, I want someone to be afraid to lose me. Im always the one terrified of losing the people that I hold close.”

I am writing this blog entry because I hate my life right now. I hate that I’m not academically smart (they think I am, but people you have to level up your standards, really). I hate that I’m unemployed. I hate that I never expected I’m going to need what I had before. I hate that I didn’t do anything for my near future at least. I hate that I can’t trust anyone. I hate that I can’t love anyone with my whole heart. I hate that I am too fragile. I hate that I overthink everything. Even the content of this post. I hate myself, honestly. I hate that I’m trying to go on and accept things just because I need to. I hate that I don’t want this life. I hate that I don’t like myself.

But while I was drafting this, I realized, my life isn’t actually that bad. I graduated college, I got good jobs even though I had no title at all, I got through the pain of seeing my dad sick, I survived my first huge heartbreak.

If everything in the past didn’t happen, maybe I wouldn’t learn these things now. Writing this post made me realize I just need courage, inspirations, and will to continue the journey. If those things hadn’t happen, I wouldn’t treasure the rest of my time with my family or I wouldn’t even know D.

I’m loving this journal prompts for self-reflections, but Im still kinda sad so excuse my poor grammar or let me know my errors so I can edit it later. Aaannd why don’t you try self-reflecting as well? It’s going to make you cry a little but it’s going to make you feel nice eventually, I promise.

“For once, I want someone to be afraid to lose me. Im always the one terrified of losing the people that I hold close.”

P.S. Excuse the quote. It’s just my fave quote for the day.

This post first appeared on Miss Understood, please read the originial post: here

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If Only I Could Turn Back Time


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