…I find, as I struggle to get a good night’s Sleep. A simple thing like sleeping should just come naturally. Its not a unique experience by any means. Everyone does it at some point during a normal day but the pleasure of waking up to a new day, after a good rest, still eludes me.
I wouldn’t categorise myself as a complete insomniac. I don’t sit up all night, although I physically get out of bed several times, and return in the hope that sleep will come. Which it does infrequently, albeit in the form of a conscious and restless effort to remain semi comatose.
I’m reminded of the first weeks of recovery when my body and brain went through so many simultaneous changes, and I spent so many totally sleepless nights that I was begging for just one night’s sleep. Eventually it came, and I can remember feeling deliciously refreshed and wide awake and alert once more. Times when this has recurred have been few and far between during 5 1/2 years of abstention from alcohol and associated substances.
Therefore, my daylight hours are spent in a kind of torpor. I feel drained and lethargic and I procrastinate shamelessly. Sometimes its an effort to do the simplest tasks and like a martyr I drag myself out for my daily walk around the village. I don’t involve myself with others as that would potentially mean extra work and extra thinking which can be painful at times, as I wrestle still with the ghosts of my past.
This might sound a lot like depression, and perhaps there is some present in the mix, but if I was seriously depressed I wouldn’t be sitting here writing about it, nor anything else for that matter. I have anti depressant medication which I take as prescribed. Ironically, one is meant to help me sleep, but doesn’t, although I suspect it could be the reason I feel lethargic throughout the day, apart from lack of sleep. It would come as such welcome respite just to enjoy a complete night’s rest once more in my own bed.
Respite did come briefly on a recent visit to my stepdaughter and family. Every night I was there, I slept the whole night through and I hoped that this pattern might continue when I got home again. Not the case, sadly. I’ve tried my best to figure out what was different and the reasons why this happened, but other than being in different surroundings with lovely people, I can’t put my finger on any one particular cause.
Unless, of course, it was being in different surroundings and remote enough from my circumstances at home which allowed me a bit of peace of mind. Having put some distance between us and a certain third party may have let me relax. Perhaps the subconscious knowledge that when the phone rang it wasn’t for me, helped. We were too far removed from any situation which might require our attention to be able to do anything immediately. Now we are back in the fray and subject to all that goes along with making oneself available to help an ailing elderly relative with mental health issues.
I never recognised this tension before now and perhaps I’ve solved part of my problem. We enjoy a relaxed atmosphere in our home and I try to take it with me wherever I go, but obviously there must be some underlying stress which is related to what we do outwith our home.
Recovery comes with a conscience in most cases and that prevents me from walking away from the problem, so I have to find another way of dealing with it, now that I know what I’m dealing with.
Then, perhaps, much wanted sleep will come once more.
more to come…
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