I have trained my body to wake up consistently at a few minutes to or after 6. This allows me some precious moments to relax each Morning and just breathe. On this Saturday morning, I woke up restless. I love working from home but it can feel a bit lonely and it’s even more poignant on a weekend morning. As I plan my day the feeling of loneliness increases.

I wonder if I should squeeze a mani and pedi into my budget? I definitely need a deep conditioner so I’ll be in the area of my fav. nail place. Maybe I should finally bleach my hair silver-grey.

The point is, I must leave the house today – I’m starting to feel cooped up. Then I think, it sure would be nice to have a date to see Guardians of the Galaxy tonight. I’m finally going to see it tonight by myself. I sigh, pick up my phone and start swiping through Tinder. This is depressing. A Face often doesn’t convey personality and I only paused to read the tiny description or look at other pictures when the face has caught my attention.

I see an old friend who could have been a thing back in the day. We are facebook friends and met up on the street last year. He was just posting about wanting to find the one on Facebook last week – good guy. I Swipe Left. I swipe left a few more times, then the face of my last ‘something’ appears. He looks the same, it’s only been a few months but he moved away to the other end of the island. It wasn’t going anywhere anyway, I’m not even sure if I wanted it to go anywhere. I told my brother the other day that I miss his kids more than I miss him.

Still seeing his face on Tinder means that he’s probably doing the same thing I am.

Moving on to the next one. 

This feels wrong. I close the app and begin writing this post.

Are we disposable human beings? That we can meet, hook up and move on, seemingly without much thought or emotion – makes me emotional. I feel like I have lost something. Maybe the capacity to love and be loved in return.

How do I get it back?