It took a lot of time to truly internalize that making mistakes is okay. I was comfortable with asking questions even if it made me look dumb for so long and then in my university life small events led to a point where this had become so difficult. I lost balance completely.
I think in the last few weeks I’ve finally gotten back to my baseline. I’ve tried to reverse my way of thinking so that I can move forward again and it finally feels like I’m getting better.
I’ve had unfortunate events and days over the last 2 years that caused so much harm to me both mentally and impacted my performance in school. I’m stubborn and prideful so I tried to brush off that I was being affected so much by something that never bothered me before. I’ve been feeling like I can move on and with this experience I feel like I truly Learned that I am allowed to make mistakes and it’s okay as long as I keep trying to improve.
A part of me wants to let it go and never bring it up again but I know for me I want to Write it all out. There are a few things holding me back, the impression it will give to others that know this shit person, the fact that people may assume it’s the wrong person and the fact that I’ll be admitting to this weakness that is a wound still healing. But that’s also what makes me want to write about it; sometimes you need to hear to raw emotions to truly understand the hurt someone is feeling. While I only experienced an unexpected period of silent bullying, the impact was real. I felt like shit for days, couldn’t pay attention in classes and couldn’t focus on tests. I know and understand that other people have had it much worse, this still was my worst and that alone validates it.
Ironically, I never learned my mistake in this bullying situation but it still influenced my ability to recognize that I am a person of flaws and that’s okay. The only thing I regret about the situation is knowing that in some sort of way this person did eventually impact my life positively. It’s twisted and I don’t want to give them credit. But for me I fee like I need to write it out and move on.
I’ve also written I think 2k when I initially started writing on it (I ran out of time, exams and such so put it off) and writing that much takes effort. I have to finish it now.
The most crucial reason though if it wasn’t clear (it wasn’t, I know), is that I refuse to let bad people get away with it, especially bullies. I’ve always stood up for others and here I was, with no one to take a stand for me – another reality I didn’t want to accept, no one else cares so take care of it yourself. So this is my small way of fighting for myself, a naive, possibly foolish attempt at staying true to myself.
My goal is to write it out fully this month as I don’t want to carry this in my mind much longer.
This post first appeared on Realistic Optimism | Change Perspective, Change Li, please read the originial post: here