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In which I consider what the year has taught me

This is the second of Please Don't Eat Jo's prompts: something you've learnt this year.

2015 has taught me many lessons, but one, rather more profound than the rest, has stayed with me - and will, I think, always stay with me.

This has been the year that's really brought home to me that it's ok to want something, and to work really hard for it. But if, when you finally have that thing in your grasp, it turns out not to look like it did from the outside, it's ok to step away, to put yourself and your happiness first, and to understand that the view of something will never be the same from far away as it is when you have it in your hand.

I've worked incredibly hard this year. Probably harder than I've ever had to in my career to date. And midway through the year, I landed a job that I'd had in my sights for a while.

I had anticipated it being challenging and stressful. I had anticipated the hours being long. I had anticipated it being really, quite properly, in grand scheme of media handling, tough. But all of that I could quite easily have coped with. If it hadn't been for the other stuff.

Because other negatives that I hadn't anticipated came into play even before day one had properly started. And they grew. Quickly and substantially. My confidence in my ability to do the job well shook. My pleasure in the challenges turned.

It took a while to sink in that, even though it seemed the very opposite, circumstances were actually within my control - probably because I had wanted the job for so long that it felt like failure to admit that it wasn't what I thought it would be.

It was over the course of the next months that I came to understand that the job was never going to morph to fit my pre existing-expectations: either I would have to change, or I'd have to let the job go. It took some soul searching. Was I making a great mistake? Did I just need to give it more time? Would stepping out now mean an irrevocable dent in my career?

The answer to all of those is still maybe. But ultimately, it was more important to me to spend the (long) hours at work doing something not only worthwhile but that I enjoy, that I can take pleasure and satisfaction in. And learning that stepping away isn't a failure if it makes you happier.

This post first appeared on Against Her Better Judgment, please read the originial post: here

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In which I consider what the year has taught me


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