Hey, y’all. How’ve you been?
Sorry I’ve been gone so long. Things have been a little…weird. I can’t really say I’ve been in a bad place the whole time, but to some extent, I have. I’ve watched in horror as my country shows how FUBAR it is, and screamed at my iPad over an entire political party endorsing a known pedophile for Senate, and deleted my Twitter app for a few weeks, and cried while adults attacked kids for wanting to do something to prevent their peers from experiencing mass murder in their schools, and railed against a winter that started being a royal cunt in mid-November and is still dumping snow on us as we speak.
But mostly, I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching.
I’m not ready to talk about it. I’m not sure I’ll ever talk about it here. Nothing personal, I’ve just moved most of that stuff over to a non-adult blog1 I started in December.
I’ve been writing there at least once a week. Or trying to, at least. I’m moving my recipes over there, and my introspection re: Mental Health and Personal Issues, and probably most political talk that doesn’t relate to Kink or sex. I want to stress most because I’m not the type to set brand rules for myself, and I don’t really feel like talking politics has ever been “off brand” for me, so I’ll almost definitely decide that someone in the kink/sex community needs to be talking about something political and it might as well be me and go back on that. Which is why I’m stressing most.
I also want to stress that I won’t stop writing here about my mental health and personal issues as they pertain to my relationship and kink. I think that’s an important discussion that relates to M and me in a really big way, so I’m not going to stop having it. But sometimes, it has nothing to do with kink, and maybe that stuff doesn’t need to be here.
I’ve been working on myself somewhat because I’m tired of flaking out on myself. It was funny for a while, but now it’s just depressing. I’m not doing the best job, but I figure you can’t go from point A to point Z without all the points in between. Baby steps.
I’ve made some decisions regarding this blog that are going to require a bit of work to accomplish. I’ve got some other decisions to make and some equipment to purchase so I can follow through on the first decisions. I’m not going to go into detail because every time I do, something falls through, or I change my mind, or whatever, and then I feel like an idiot, and I’m tired of making myself feel like an idiot. So I’m just going to say there might be big changes coming, and all of them are good and fun, and I hope I can buckle down and get them going soon so I’m not keeping secrets from y’all. There are few things I hate more than people I follow being all, “I’ve got this super secret project and you’re gonna love it, but I can’t tell you what it is.” And here I am doing it. Ah well.
M and I had a really good talk, yesterday, about our relationship, and where we’ve ended up, and where we’re going. Our desires and expectations re: kink have changed a lot, but the thing that remains constant is he is the boss and I am the property, and the rest of our life has to be arranged around that.
He said some things that really cut me, but he’s right. He said some things that reminded me how much I love him and enjoy being owned by him. And he said some things that I really never expected to hear from him, which I guess makes me an asshole because he’s not a dick and only a dick wouldn’t say those things if they’re true.
I’m not really ready to talk about that, either. I’m sure I will eventually because it does pertain to kink and our relationship.
Two things that I’ve decided about this blog that I will disclose here:
– There will be a rebranding eventually. I hate calling it that, because I’m not a brand. I’m a person who writes about her life on the internet. I really hate how that’s turned into “branding” in the internet world, but it is what it is. I don’t know when this is going to happen. I’m going to start working on it today, which means…
– A lot of things on this blog are going to be made private. I want to stress that this is not out of an attempt to hide my past or make me look better to new readers. I honestly don’t care (much) what people think about me, my life, my past. I’ve been through a lot. I’ve made bad decisions. I’ve fucked up. I’ve hurt people I don’t even realize I hurt. I know that. I have no desire to erase that. If I could change some things, I would, but I can’t. The only thing left to do is move forward. And a part of that, for me, is going to have to be not leaving open wounds on display for the world to see. If that’s a problem for anyone, tough. I’m not trying to be a dick, but I have to do what’s right for me and not care what other people think (besides M) or I’m never going to get a hold on myself, and I’ve reached the point, mentally and emotionally, where getting a hold on myself is the only option.
I’m almost 40 (38 in April). It’s time to start healing. Get busy living or get busy dying.
I don’t want to die.
This process has been hard. I’ve had to face some things I really didn’t want to face. I’ve had to admit to myself that I am not the only victim in my past, and in some ways, I’ve victimized myself. I’m still working through it, and I’m still not 100% sure which way to go from here, but in the end, I think it will be worth it. I’d do just about anything to not hate myself anymore.
To those of you still here, still believing in me, still caring about what I have to say, thank you. I know I’ve not been the easiest person to support, and for that I am sorry. I will do better. That’s not to say that I’m going to be posting here regularly, or picking up old series again. But I think what I have planned will more than make up for it. I hope, anyway.
So I guess that’s all I have to say about that.
1. If you’re interested in reading that blog, let me know and I’ll shoot you a link. I don’t care who knows that this and the other blog are written by the same person, but I am trying to keep them as separate as possible as far as the internet’s various algorithms are concerned, so I’m not linking to it on this site or any of my social media. I’m sure there are other things I could/should be doing to keep them separate (like not posting pictures from my Instagram to the other blog), but I really don’t care that much, so…you know…I’m not.