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Unintentionally Funny, Must-Watch Bollywood Movies - Part 2: The Ghaat Returns!

After the critically acclaimed reception of the first list, I come back to you with the next batch of, what can only be referred to as, Sheer Cinematic Genius. Yes people! The Ghaat is Back... With a Vengeance! So without further adieu, I present to you "Unintentionally Funny, Must-Watch Bollywood Movies - Part 2"! (Unintentional, not unlike the lame rhyme scheme that last sentence was typed out in)

Intended Genre : A comment on communalism.
Actual Genre : Movies you can't make fun of even if you tried!

... of a World Slightly Dumber!

I mean, seriously! What can you say about a movie where Gracy Singh rides a Dirt-Bike on the streets of Mumbai dishing out Vigilante Justice... A movie where when a guy is getting shot, the producer decides that, instead of spending some money on slow-mo effects, he'll just ask the actor (in this case, the producer himself) to fall slowly... A movie where our hero goes to the villain's house and hides behind a curtain (Think Ross and Unagi). 

I could go on, but the exquisite Ghaat on display in this movie has to be seen to be truly appreciated. So why don't we just quietly reflect and move on.

Intended Genre: Long-Lost Brotherly Love / Revenge Epic
Actual Genre : A Look at the Unfair Trade Practices Followed by Money-Lenders, Zamindaars and Scorned Widows in Rural India.

What Unfair Trade Practices, you ask? Well, the plot goes something like this. A snake charmer goes to a temple to seek shelter for his about-to-give-birth wife and adopted son. The temple priest lets them in but gets killed by some robbers soon after. The snake charmer gets apprehended by villagers, mistaken as the killer. All this while the wife is giving birth to a thunderous background score. Cut to the Mother breastfeeding the newborn baby, with the adopted son watching in rapt attention. Mother feels guilty, mother feeds him too. After the hearty meal, Mother tells him that she can't afford to fend for all three and asks him to run along his merry way. And now, the fun begins!

Before the jilted pseudo-son leaves, the mother reminds him that he owes her... A Debt of Milk, if you will. She puts him on a payment plan that seemingly entails taking revenge for his stepdad by killing all the evil priestkillers. To understand the disparity here, I took the liberty of coming up with a visual representation of that transaction. 

Jaago Grahak, Jaago!

Anyways, the rest of the story is pretty standard fair. The adoptee becomes the guardian of the temple where his father was murdered and, along with his fellow temple guardians, eventually manages to kill all those who wronged him. 

Here's the touching milkfeeding scene. Oh, by the way, in case I forgot to mention... The adopted son is a King Cobra who can spit venom.

Intended Genre : Bold, Feminist, Back from the Dead, Revenge Epic
Actual Genre : Cosmetic Surgeries Gone Bad!

It took a lot of contemplation for me to add this movie to the list because a lot of people really seem to think that this one's a classic. So I won't go for the plot with this rant, even though it is one for the ages. Instead, let me put the spotlight on the costume and make-up crew here. So with absolutely no undercurrents of sarcasm - This, here, is the story, for your consideration:
Ugly chick has money. Evil dude hooks up with ugly chick for money. Evil dude tries to get ugly chick outta the picture, by *Biting Lips* feeding her to a bunch of crocs. Chick somehow survives, washes up ashore near a man who turns out to be, for all effective purposes, a professional style guru. Under his watchful eye, ugly chick undergoes plastic surgery, becomes a diva and gets her revenge.

Now, I couldn't find any actual screenshots from the movie. But I think I have a pretty good reconstruction of that makeover lined up for you.

Moral of the Story: Don't rely on Shatrughan Sinha for fashion advice. Oh, and if you're trying to kill someone, just use a fucking gun!

Intended Genre : Action Comedy
Actual Genre : Movies that make you go, "Dude! Come On!"

The film begins with images of an oppressed and scared shitless bunch of Chinese village people being forced into hard labour. Scared shitless of what, you ask? It’s Hojo – The bad guy. Now this Hojo is a funny old chap. He’s what the parallel universe version of Rajinikanth would probably be like. As opposed to the badly appareled Indian hero to the impoverished that is Rajini, Hojo is the impeccably dressed Chinese dictator dude. Although, not unlike Rajini, Hojo does have the odd piece of weaponry (his top-hat) that has the ability to slash foes standing at a distance and boomerang back. 

For reasons mind-numbingly senseless, Deepika is cast in a *Shudder* double-role. Maybe the makers thought that they could get two of her to deliver one watchable performance. The movie deals with Akki avenging himself and the villagers, after being trained by the two twin Deepikas' “Ded”, as she refers to him throughout the length of the second half. Logic isn’t something you should be looking for in his story-arc because Ded is a Hindi speaking Chinese beggar and ex-cop also carrying a grudge against Hojo. 

Any Mandarin spoken in the entire movie is restricted to ‘Ch’ with a vowel added in front of it. And I'll tell ya, being made to watch this movie is, truly, being made a 'Chu' out of...

Favourite Scene : Where Akshay Kumar beats on Hojo’s main henchman – A Six and a Half foot Albino. Don't give him too much credit though, because soon thereafter, he reaches into the guy's pocket and pulls out a Pink MotoRazr and tickets to the Opera. 

Nikhil Advani's Idea of a Ga(y)ngster!

Intended Genre : Tale of Reincarnation & Revenge
Actual Genre : Movies that, if shown to African-American, Hip-Hop Lovin Gangstas, would make them go, "Dayyam Nigga!"

The presence of this movie on this list shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone, really. I mean, the jokes about the Ghaatiness (Ghaatity?) of this film have been so overdone, I really don't see how I can add anything of value. But hell, I sure can give it a shot! I mean, if there was one flick that warranted a list of its own, it was This! But why should you guys have to wait till I come up with that one? Presenting Karzzzz - Ghaat the Hell Ishtyle!

This guy plays a Rockstar, Demi-God called Monty! To let the true mind-numbing depths of that statement sink in, I'll say it again. Himmess Bhai... A Rockstar Demi-God... Named Monty!

Rockstar Monty's best friend is a doctor whose nurse, in addition to the usual scalpels and scissors, carries a Fender Electric Guitar handy. You know, because you never know when you might need an Electric Guitar in the Emergency Room.
Nurse, Scalpels.
Nurse, Scissors.
Nurse, Kick Ass Guitar Solo from 'Layla'"

Rockstar Monty has a 50 something year old lover from a past life who likes to wear ^ that ^!

And a 60 something year old stepdad who can do ^ that ^! 

AARGH! Alright, owing to lack of word space this list shall have "To Be Continued"..... Next week, the rest of the brilliance, that is Karzzz! And Part 3 of what is effectively going to be a never-ending series if kept up with! =D

PS - Apologies for the ridiculous photoshopping... Except the 'Deshdrohi - The Beginning' pic... That was all them... =D

This post first appeared on Off The Record... On The Net!, please read the originial post: here

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Unintentionally Funny, Must-Watch Bollywood Movies - Part 2: The Ghaat Returns!


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