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These are the Most Funny Quotes You’ll Ever Read

Are you looking for a good laugh? Not only does laughter reduce stress, but it also lowers your blood pressure, gives you an excellent ab workout, and releases endorphins. Whether it’s a play on words, a funny observation about everyday things, or old witty sayings, comedy has a way of making us realize we’re all going through the same stuff in this crazy life. And laughter truly is the best medicine for your soul.

So to keep you healthy and happily enjoy these 101 Funny Quotes we found in stand-up comedy, books, plays, celebrity Twitter and interviews, as well as movies and TV shows, guaranteed to give you a quick chuckle.

The Funniest and Hilarious Quotes of All Time

Top 10 Funny Quotes

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.” – Ellen DeGeneres

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realise I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey

“Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.” – Luis Bunuel

“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard

“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” – Groucho Marx

“I can resist everything except temptation.” – Oscar Wilde

“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” – Winston S. Churchill

“A Man has three good friends; an old Wife, old dog and ready money.” – Benjamin Franklin

Short Funny Quotes

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“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.” – George Carlin

“A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.” – Milton Berle

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” – Steven Wright

“Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” – Ellen DeGeneres

“All men are equal before fish.” – Herbert Hoover

“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” – Casey Stengel

“An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.” – Dylan Thomas

“Anyone know the number to 911?” – Ryan Reynolds

“Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.” – Oliver Goldsmith

“Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.” – Jim Davis

“Behing every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey

“Boys fuck things up. Girls are fucked up.” – Louis C.K.

“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”

“Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?” – Steven Wright

“Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.” – Golda Meir

“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.” – George Carlin

“Finally my winter fat is done. Now I have spring rolls.”

“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.” – Josh Billings

“God is at home, it’s we who have gone out for a walk.” – Meister Eckhart

“Great art is the contempt of a great man for small art.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – Henry Clapp

“Housekeeping is like being caught in a revolving door.” – Marcelene Cox

“I am not lazy. I am on energy saving mode.”

“I am only human, although I regret it.” – Mark Twain

“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.” – Arthur C. Clarke

“I don’t want to be a vampire. I’m a day person.” – Jim Carrey

“I failed kindergarten because I couldn’t spell my last name.” – Zach Galifianakis

“I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.” – Steven Wright

“I drink to make other people more interesting.” – Ernest Hemingway

“I just want my stomach to be as flat as my ass.”

“I say if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.” – Tina Fey

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” – Groucho Marx

“I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.” – Zach Galifianakis

“I’m in shape. Round is a shape.” – George Carlin

“If you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong.” – Groucho Marx

“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” – Lawrence Ferlinghetti

“Man has his will, but woman has her way.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” – George Carlin

“Nothing is creepier than a bunch of adults being very quiet.” – Tina Fey

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.” – George Carlin

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A. A. Milne

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.” – Oscar Levant

“The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone’s advice.” – Eddie Murphy

“The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.” – Dorothy Parker

“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” – Steven Wright

“Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.” – George Carlin

“Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.” – Spanish proverb

“Trying is the first step toward failure.” – Homer Simpson

“We’re not kissing. We’re feeding each other like baby birds.” – Ryan Reynolds

“Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.” – Mark Twain

“What’s another word for Thesaurus?” – Steven Wright

“Only the mediocre are always at their best.” – Jean Giraudoux

Best Funny Quotes

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“A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know.” – Laurence J. Peter

“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.” – Margaret Mead

“Americans are incredibly inpatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.” – Jim Rohn

“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.” – Carl Sagan

“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.” – William James

“Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it’s done, they’ve seen it done every day, but they’re unable to do it themselves.” – Brendan Behan

“First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.” – Steve Martin

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.” – Billy Sunday

“Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.” – Thomas Szasz

“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” – Henny Youngman

“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.” – Bill Murray

“My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.”

“My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.” – Walter Matthau

“My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.” – Laurell K. Hamilton

“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’” – Steven Wright

“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.” – George Carlin

“The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.” – Fred Allen

“The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.” – Nicolas Chamfort

“When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.” – Norm Crosby

“When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn’t matter who’s president.” – Louis CK

“When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.” – George Carlin

Famous Funny Quotes

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“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” – Dr. Seuss

“All generalizations are false, including this one.” – Mark Twain

“A day without laughter is a day wasted.” – Charlie Chaplin

“A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.” – George Bernard Shaw

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” – Mark Twain

“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.” – Oscar Wilde

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” – Mark Twain

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” – Abraham Lincoln

“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.” – Mark Twain

“Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.” – Anton Chekhov

“From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.” – Winston Churchill

“Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.” – President Merkin Muffley

“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.” – Mark Twain

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” – Abraham Lincoln

“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.” – Mark Twain

“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde

“I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.” – Oscar Wilde

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain

“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is pre­determined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.” – Stephen Hawking

“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.” – Douglas Adams

“I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.” – Scott Adams

“If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.” – Hillary Clinton

“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.” – Abraham Lincoln

“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates

“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.” – Jimmy Carter (US president 1977 to 1981)

“Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.” – Ronald Reagan

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein

“To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.” – George W. Bush

“Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.” – President John F. Kennedy

“When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.” – Jane Wagner

Inspirational Funny Quotes

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“I’d rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort.” – J. Paul Getty

“An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, ‘So far so good!’”

“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” – Terry Pratchett

“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.” – Denis Waitley

“Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.” – Dwight D. Eisenhower

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – Winnie the Pooh

“Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.” – Franklin P. Jones

“Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.” – Marilyn Monroe

“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” – Dalai Lama

ron burgundy in a lion’s cage saying ‘I immediately regret this decision’11. “Bad decisions make good stories.” – Ellis Vidler

“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

“Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.”

“Live each day like it’s your second to the last. That way you can fall asleep at night.” – Jason Love

“Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.” – Tom Lehrer

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” – Alan Dundes

“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” – Steven Wright

“I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms” – Michael Scott

“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” – Will Rogers

“A few harmless flakes working together can unleash an avalanche of destruction.” – Justin Sewell

“Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.” – Robert Bloch

“If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck.” – Elvis Presley

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar

“I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.”

“The best things in life are actually really expensive.”

“I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms” – Michael Scott #quotes

“Change is not a four letter word… but often your reaction to it is!” – Jeffrey Gitomer

“I’ll probably never fully become what I wanted to be when I grew up, but that’s probably because I wanted to be a ninja princess.” – Cassandra Duffy

“Think like a proton. Always be positive.”

“Dreams are like rainbows. Only idiots chase them.”

“Think like a proton. Always positive.”

“Well-behaved women seldom make history.” – Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.” – Benjamin Franklin

“Always remember that you are unique – just like everybody else.”

“The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.”

“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Eddison

“A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory.” – Mark Twain

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.” – Charles Schulz

“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” – Cathy Guisewite

“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.” – Joe Girard

“Every tattoo is temporary, because we’re all slowly dying.”

“Nothing is impossible, the word itself says “I’m possible!” – Audrey Hepburn

“Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese.” – Billie Burke

“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” – Robert Frost

“You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.” – Robin Williams

“Be happy – it drives people crazy.”

“If the world didn’t suck we’d all fly into space.”

“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”

“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”

“Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes.” – Marie Von Ebner-Eschenbach

“Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese.” – Billie Burke

“The question isn’t who is going to let me, it’s who is going to stop me.” – Ayn Rand.

“Happiness is just sadness that hasn’t happened yet.”

Funny Quotes About Life

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“Your phone doesn’t suck. Your life sucks around the phone.” – Louis C.K.

“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.” – Jim Carrey

“You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.” – Winston Churchill

“Whenever someone calls me ugly I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.” – Will Ferrell

“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.” – Mark Twain

“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’” – Sydney J. Harris

“There are only three things women need in life: food, water and compliments.” – Chris Rock

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson

“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.” – Groucho Marx

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire

“That’s the funny thing about life. We’re rarely aware of the bullets we dodge. The just-misses. The almost-never-happeneds. We spend so much time worrying about how the future is going to play out and not nearly enough time admiring the precious perfection of the present.” – Lauren Miller

“Our job is improving the quality of life, not just delaying death.” – Robin Williams, Patch Adams

“My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.” – Milton Berle

“Mondays are fine. It’s your life that sucks.” – Ricky Gervais

“Life opens up opportunities to you, and you either take them or you stay afraid of taking them.” – Jim Carrey

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” – John Hughes

“Life is so damn short. For f*ck’s sake, just do what makes you happy.” – Bill Murray

“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”

“Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.” – George Carlin

“Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.” – John Wayne

“Life is hard. After all, it kills you.” – Katharine Hepburn

“Life is a sexually transmitted disease.” – R. D. Laing

“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.” – Helen Rowland

“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.” – Cullen Hightower

“I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.”

“If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.” – Johnny Carson

“I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.”

“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.” – Damien Fahey

“I live a little bit on the seat of my pants, I try to be alert and available for life to happen to me. We’re in this life, and if you’re not available, the sort of ordinary time goes past and you didn’t live it. But if you’re available, life gets huge. You’re really living it.” – Bill Murray

“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.” – Ron White

“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.” – Will Rogers

“Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.” – David Letterman

“Enjoy life. Have fun. Be kind. Have worth. Have friends. Be honest. Laugh. Die with dignity. Make the most of it. It’s all we’ve got.” – Ricky Gervais

“Don’t text or twitter during the show. Just live your life. Don’t keep telling people what you’re doing. Also it lights up your big dumb face.” – Louis C.K.

“But at times, life is random if not downright stupid.” – Kevin Hart

“Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.” – Helen Rowland

“All my life I’ve wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought.” – Robert Breault

“Alcohol is like Photoshop for real life.” – Will Ferrell

“A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.” – Walter Bagehot

“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” – Graham Norton

“‘I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of.” – Louis C.K.

“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right? That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“Airplane toilets are aggressive. It wasn’t until I got back to my seat that I noticed my pants and testicles were missing.” – Ryan Reynolds

“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.” – W. C. Fields

“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.” – Yogi Berra

“As far as I’m concerned, “whom” is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.” – Calving Trillin

“As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.” – Adam Joshua Smargon

“As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”

“I don’t like to kick people when they’re down. I like to kick people when they’re up.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I don’t weigh myself because most scales don’t know how heavy all the grudges im holding onto are.”

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” – Groucho Marx

“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.” – Chris Rock

“Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”

“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.” – Navjot Singh Sidhu

“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.” – Tina Fey

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” – Robin Williams

“You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out’.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” – Joan Rivers

“If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore.”

Funny Quotes About Love

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“You can fail at what you don’t want—so you might as well take a chance at doing what you Love.” – Jim Carrey. These funny test answers are secretly genius.”

“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” – Benjamin Franklin

“When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.” – Richard Lewis

“We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love.” – Robert Fulghum

“They say love is more important than money…Have you tried paying your bills with a hug?” – Dave Chappelle

“The more relaxed you are, the better you are at everything, the better you are with your loved ones, the better you are with your enemies, the better you are at your job, the better you are with yourself.” – Bill Murray

“That’s why New York is so great, though. Everyone you care about can despise you and you can still find a bagel so good, nothing else matters. Who needs love when you’ve got lox? They both stink, but only one tastes good.” – Midge Maisel

“She loves nature in spite of what it did to her.” – Bette Midler

“Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you—but I’m not going to.” – Phil Connors

“My perfect beautiful miracle baby? Never slept. Ever. Never. Twelve years later the memories of those nights, of that sleep deprivation, still make me rock back and forth a little bit. You want to torture someone? Hand them an adorable baby they love who doesn’t sleep.” – Shonda Rimes

“My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.” – Halley Reed

“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason

“Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.” – Pete

“Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.” – Robert Frost

“Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should save it for someone you love.” – Butch Hancock

“If you spend your days doing what you love, it is impossible to fail.” – Ricky Gervais

“If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.” – Chuck Palahniuk

“I’ve come to view Jesus much the way I view Elvis. I love the guy but the fan clubs really freak me out.” – John Fugelsang

“I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.” – Woody Allen

“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.” – Douglas Adams

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner

“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”

“I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!” – Tom Lehrer

“I can’t end my messages with Love, Shaq because the B-52s ruined that for me.” – Meme attributed to Shaquille O’Neal

“Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you.” – Jeffree Star

“Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.” – Wilhelm II

“Being a mom means never buying the right amount of produce. Either everyone suddenly loves grapes and a week’s worth are eaten in one afternoon, or fruit flies are congregating around my rotting bananas.” – Lessons from the Minivan

“According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.” – Jay Leno

“A moat can be a pretty good thing. It can be lovely. It keeps rodents away from the castle. It can have fish in it. Even fish that talk. … If you give people access, they take advantage. My phone would ring 75 times in a row. Finally, I would pick it up and say, ‘Who the hell is this?’ ‘Oh, hi! I’m calling from so-and-so’s office…’ What kind of person would ever, ever let the phone ring 75 times? And I guess that’s when I started thinking: I can do without these people.” – Bill Murray

“A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor

“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.” – Jerry

“I wanted to be a Priest at one point. I was pretty religious. I was an altar boy, and I was good at it. Then, I started meeting girls and I’m like ‘You know, maybe I shouldn’t be a Priest.’” – Jimmy Fallon

“The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.” – Gore Vidal

Funny Quotes About Friends

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“Friendship is about finding people who are your kind of crazy.”

“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things … alone.”

“You and I are more than friends. We’re like a really small gang.”

“I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends.”

“My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron…and a lot like Patrick Ewing.” – Zach Galifianakis

“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”

“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”

“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up … after I finish laughing.”

“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.” – Betty White

“If you’re a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don’t have a choice.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I like you because you join in on my weirdness.”

“Friendship is so weird … You just pick a human you’ve met and you’re like ‘Yep, I like this one’ and you just do stuff with them.”

“If I send you my ugly selfies, our friendship is real.”

“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”

“I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me.”

“Real friendship is when your friend comes over to your house and then you both just take a nap.”

“Best friends don’t care if your house is clean. They care if you have wine.”

“Friends are like condoms, they protect you when things get hard.”

“I will text you 50 times in a row and feel no shame. You’re my friend, you literally signed up for this.”

“I’d walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room … but not too humid because. you know … my hair.”

“We will always be friends ’til we’re old and senile…then we can be new friends.”

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx

“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.” – Groucho Marx

“Filling out a credit card application, my friend came upon this question: ‘What is your source of income?’ She wrote: ‘ATM.’” – Michael Mcrae

“Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.” – Steve Irwin

“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”

“No one will ever be as entertained by us as us.”

“It’s hard to find a friend who’s cute, loving, generous, caring, and smart. My advice to y’all is, don’t lose me.”

“I’d take a nerf bullet for you.”

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde

“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”

“I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.”

“You had me at ‘I hate her too.’”

“There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.” – Dowager Countess Violet Crawley

“If you are lucky enough to find a weirdo never them go.”

“Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!” – Groucho Marx

“We’ve been friends for so long I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”

“‘I don’t want a whole dessert; let’s just get two spoons.’ —Former friends of mine.” – Anna Kendrick

“I was an innocent being once … then my best friend came along.”

“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”

“I hope we’re friends until we die. And then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the crap out of people.”

Funny Quotes About Family

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“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.” – Jarod Kintz

“One of my biggest fears is that I’ll marry into a family that runs 5Ks on holidays.”

“Caller ID was invented for family screening.”

“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member does or says.”

“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.” – Bob Hope

“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.” – Mortimer Brewster

“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”

“The bigger your family, the bigger your problems.”

“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett

“Family is like that annoying itch you can’t scratch.”

“Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?” – Lillian

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” – George Burns

“I’ve come to learn that the best time to debate family members is when they have food in their mouths.” – Kenneth Cole

Funny Quotes About Parenting

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“When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is “Please forget.”

“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.” —Phyllis Diller” – Phyllis Diller

“Not all who wander are lost. Some are just moms. In Target. Hiding from their children.”

“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.”

“My parents said marrying was an optimistic thing to do in pessimistic times.” – Olivia Wilde

“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.” – Nia Vardalos

“Mom Pro Tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.”

“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” – Erma Bombeck

“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“Everybody wants to save the earth; no one wants to help mom do the dishes.” – P.J. O’Rourke

“My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.” – Bobby Boucher

“You know you’re old when you you barely do anything all day but still need a nap to continue doing barely anything.”

“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.”

“Parenting is yelling ‘you just had a snack!’ over and over until you give in and throw them another snack.”

“You can be a mess and still be a good mom. We are allowed to be both.”

“My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.” – Rose

“I’d love to be a Pinterest mom. But it turns out I’m more of an Amazon Prime mom.”

“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.” – Jimmy Fallon

“And then I thought to myself, “What’s the point of cleaning if my family is going to keep living here?”

“It’s like no one in my family appreciates that I stayed up all night overthinking for them.”

“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” – Jack Whitehall

“The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.” —Lane Olinghouse” – Lane Olinghouse

“Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” – Ray Romano

“Me: *Has screaming children hanging off every limb*”

“Recipe for Iced Coffee”

“I love when my kids tell me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time.”

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip her jacket by herself.”

“I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like ! It was born 15 minutes ago it looks like a potato.” – Kevin Hart

“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” – Milton Berle

“The easiest way to shop with kids is not to.”

“My kid is turning out just like me. Well played, karma. Well-played.”

Funny Quotes About Marriage

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“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” – Wendy Liebman

“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” – Clint Eastwood

“My wife, Mary, and I have been married for forty-seven years, and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, never.” – Jack Benny

“Bigamy is having one husband too many. Monogamy is the same.”

“At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers

“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” – Ann Bancroft

“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” – Kathy Mohnke

“I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status.”

“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” – Joseph Barth

“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” – Lily Tomlin

“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” – Homer Simpson

“The most important four words for a successful marriage: I’ll do the dishes.”

“My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry me.” – Winston Churchill

“Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces; marriage is also three-meals-a-day and remembering to carry the trash out.” – Joyce Brothers

“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.” – Mickey Rooney

“Love is the same as like, except you feel sexier.” – Judith Viorst

“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” – Phyllis Diller

“Ah, yes, divorce… from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” – Robin Williams

“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?” – Jean Illsley Clarke

“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.” – Richard Lewis

“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” – Cindy Garner

“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.” – Lee Judge

“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you lo

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