When I talk to people about the palliative care stage of Julia’s illness, they often ask me if we talked about her looming death and what would follow. The answer is yes, we did. Not surprising to those that knew her, Julia initiated most of these conversations. Often, what she brought up was how she felt for me because of the grief I would have to deal with. This speaks to Julia’s love for me that she was mainly concerned about me during her last days.

The truth was, I was dreading the thought of what it would be like after her passing. As a result, I tried to remove it from my mind. When it became pretty clear she was in her last days, and Julia had expressed concern for me several times, I decided I owed it to her to sit and pray and really think about how I felt about her not being here much longer.

I wrote down some thoughts and came up with a letter to her that I read to her when it became clear she was in her final days. It really helped me and encouraged her because I think she saw that even though it would be very difficult I would make it through. She asked me to read it at her funeral, so I did.

I share this with you because it’s an example of what every couple going through palliative has to deal with. Even though you are both going through some of the worst moments of your lives, you have to talk about coping strategies, and ways you can both move through it as best as you are able. If you are the partner or spouse, your instinct will be to take care of your partner, and you may not think much about your own situation. But it is very helpful for your partner to re-assure him or her that you have a strategy to try and deal with the grief. When facing one’s own death, the last thing you want to be constantly worrying about is how your partner will be able to live with the grief.

So this is the letter that I wrote to Julia to give her this re-assurance. I kept it short because she was drowsy with medication. I tried to write it in a poetic way because I had written her a few poems over the years and she always liked them (or said she did). I was honest, and I made it clear that it would be tough. But I kept a positive tone, I told her how wonderful it had been to be her husband, and I shared what I learned from her that would help me move forward.

Dear Julia,

I love you more than you can imagine. You have incredible strength, unsurpassed beauty, a tender heart, a razor-sharp mind, selfless love. I cannot imagine life without you, and I don’t want to. You have been a perfect companion through life’s ups, and downs, and all arounds. I could always lean on you for great advice when I needed it. Or a caring hug and kiss when I needed that.

You initiated so many adventures that I wouldn’t have done otherwise. Surpassing our ages in countries is a testament to that. You have always worked so hard in everything you’ve done, whether it’s planning our wedding, or summer jobs, or lesson planning, or coaching your students. I admire so much about you.

Now I must consider what life will be like without you. I always weep to think of this, if not always on the outside. There are so many things I will miss about you, it would take an age to convey them all.

But I also know that you have prepared me to take on anything in life. Including this. I am prepared because I have seen you take on the unfathomable with such grace and strength from God. You have taught me how to rely on God and find strength in Him when I have none. You have taught me to have hope in the next life when this life is giving me none. You’ve taught me that every hardship is an opportunity to help others and point them to Jesus.

Because you have taught me all this, I will make it through, wounded but stronger. Somehow. What it won’t be is easy, but nobody, God especially, said this life would be. But He did promise better in eternity for His children who have to endure the worst in the transitory. So I press on.

You are the apple of my eye, the refreshment for my soul, the energy of my spirit, and the love of my life.

Oh, will I miss you. Until I see you again, anyway.

Love,

Andy

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