Talking about your stoma can be difficult. Your Relationship with yourself, your acceptance, and your comfort level, have to come first. We have to start with YOU. In a previous blog, I talked about the importance of processing your emotions and shared some body confidence tips. I also shared information about self-compassion and some self-compassion exercises for you to try.

Only when you are ready to talk about it, can you begin to think about how you might want to approach it. If you’re in a relationship, chances are, their main concern is how you’re feeling. Hopefully, they’ll be understanding if you’re not immediately ready to start talking about your ostomy. You might not even know how you’re feeling initially, until you’ve taken the time to processwhat has happened. Body image concerns are the root of a lot of negative thoughts and emotions. Fittleworth’s “I’m still me”webinar recordings might help and are available to watch online.

First and foremost, it’s important to know what you want to share. It doesn’t have to be everything all at once. Take as much time as you need.

Consider the timing

Think about when you’re both likely to be more open and receptive. If you’re not a morning person, you don’t want to be forcing Conversation over breakfast. You want to make sure you’re not going to be disturbed, so it might mean children have to be in bed or are staying out. I’m personally rubbish in the evenings. After our evening meal, I am done. I certainly wouldn’t be attempting to have any kind of meaningful conversation then.

Setting the scene

Consider the setting that you’re planning to talk in. What makes you feel comfortable and relaxed? It might be as simple as lowering the lighting and turning off the TV - no distractions! You might want to make a favourite meal and chat over that. Maybe you’re a fan of aromatherapy. Whateversoothes you.

Think about the tone

What would you like the tone of the conversation to be? Perhaps you prefer formal. Some people like a list. You may have a checklist of things you want to talk through, or maybe you want to make it more fun; possibly even make a game out of it. Stay in your comfort zone.

You might want to talk less about your recent ostomy surgery and focus more on strengthening your relationship going forward…

Relationship card games can be a fun, informal, relaxed way to have conversations. You can buy card games for couples, or you could make your own based on what you want to talk about. If you decide to make your own, be sure to include some more general ones, such as the best thing that’s happened in your day. Include cards that cover how you’re feeling emotionally, physically, and psychologically, and use the more general ones so that it doesn’t feel too heavy.

Show and tell

You might find it useful to let your Partner touch and feel your ostomy bags and/or supporting products. I had lots of bag samples early on, and my partner had a feel of all of those. He was baffled by some of the outlets, but it was funny to watch him trying to figure it out. Some people even have their partner wear one, to see how it feels. It can get them thinking about how they might try to disguise it under clothing and things. You can even fill it so that they can feel the weight and then let them empty it. Cold porridge is a good “output replica”.

Give your partner the opportunity to share

It's easy to forget that having a stoma might impact our partner too. Sometimes, we’re dealing with so much, it’s hard to see past our own “baggage”. People that care about us have to watch us go through the surgery, and through stages of weakness, possibly even despair. They might feel powerless or like they have to be strong for us. Letting them know that this is a time to share their thoughts too is important.

Next, we’ll talk about physical intimacy. One step at a time!