I didn’t think I was going to write this anytime soon- but I started seeing someone. So far, I have been the typical cliché girl that only wants the Douchebag who looks for the drama, loves the non-committal boys, rather puts herself in unreasonable situations and announces loud and clear that she doesn’t want something serious. Why give up a life of independence, non-commitment where I owe nothing to no one!? Best life!
Until, not too long ago and to my surprise, I started to feel that little pinch in my heart here and there. It appeared in the most unexpected moments and was so confusing. It was during those nights, where I had a great time with my friends, everyone was happy and having fun until we all said good bye and all of them started planning the late-night munch they would have with their partners and which movie they would fall asleep to while I observed from aside, feeling that little pinch and asking myself if maybe it’s about time I should aspire for something similar. Maybe I would like to have that one person with me, who will try to do anything to contribute to my happiness with small and sweet gestures. The first time I felt the pinch it left me very irritated. For a moment, I let my fantasy take over and thought that it was probably time to go get checked up, see if my heart is experiencing some technical issues that needed to be resolved. But when I discovered that those little pinches kept on reoccurring I figured that my heart is just fine, it is my mind that opens its gates to new thoughts. I guess that happened around half a year ago, when I revisited the thoughts about all of my romantic relationships and tried to look at them from an objective perspective.
I hope I can sum up half of my lifetime romances within one paragraph:
My first Swedish love, who enjoyed playing Russian roulette for 6 years on and off. Why Russian Roulette? Because I never knew when he was going to be cruel or when he would promise that he will never hurt me again. His behavior was very coincidental and depended on nothing. Then a couple (ok maybe more than a couple) of no one’s who are not even worth mentioning. I add them to the “Bar corners” group where I have spent some nights I thank g don’t remember, but still can never forget. Then, a French guy who mainly taught me the meaning of C’est si bon, which a quick Google search the day after showed me that it’s meaning is “it is so good” (I don’t think I have mentioned yet what a big fan I am of learning different cultures and languages). A good Swiss boy, whose intentions were pure and good but the outcome…well. An American douchebag who didn’t really understand the principle of commitment or how it works, a real-life Ryan Gosling (at least I thought he looked like him) who didn’t really act like a Ryan Gosling, an epic Italian Fromance (Friends+Romance) that involved so many emotions. In addition, a different Italian story focusing less on the emotions part and more on the what happens when friend’s get very drunk part, and more, more and more until I got to a point where I said- ok, I am officially over this. This is when a simple Israeli guy came along.
So what is he not? He is not too pretty but cute, not too sassy but funny, not too charming but caring and no butterflies at all. But he introduced me to something new I didn’t know or maybe knew but have forgotten about- kindness. What it feels like when someone cares about you and is willing to contribute as much as possible to your already existing happiness (because we should all embrace our inner happiness no matter what). Sounds romantic so far right? Well, here comes the big shocker. I always thought, that once you find this person who treats you well, has good manners and wants only your best you immediately fall in love. So, I got some very crazy news for you- that is so not true. At least not, when you are terrified of anything that could turn into something real and have made sure to build thick walls around you. With shock and Fear I realized that this is not as easy as I thought it would be. Meeting such a good soul with pure intentions after such a long time of getting used to the independent lifestyle, and especially to a certain pattern in life,-fucking scary!
Some of you might be judging me at this point but that’s ok. I would judge you too, if you would be the one writing these words. I believe, that this fear which makes you want to crawl into a corner and hide, can only be understood when experienced personally. Believe me when I say this, when you feel this kind of fear, you will always find a reason to why this won’t work. You’ll always look for the bad things he does, like the way he moves his hands or head when he speaks, or how he laughs at a really not funny joke that he made up. His horrible choice of shoes that one Saturday night and the fact that he messages you good morning and good night. I mean, who the hell is he, your freaking boyfriend?!
Now, once your girlfriends slap you and you are trying as good as you can to snap out of it for at least a moment, you ask yourself-are these things mentioned above really that horrible? Probably not. Or maybe they are, but I am pretty sure they are not deal breaker. But what me, myself and I should be paying attention to is how good of a person he is, how he stands by my side when I need it and even when I don’t. Someone supportive and unconditionally loving, no matter if he sometimes makes jokes that you don’t find funny and comes across too strong at first. Always keep in mind, that the person sitting in front of you, has his own story just like I do; a past, that made him who he is today.
Suddenly, my perspective changed. He may be the one, and he might not be. But what I am taking from this situation is understanding the value and importance of those qualities I haven’t even wasted a thought on before, because it’s always simpler to choose the easy way out, fall for the douchebag, knowing he won’t love you in return (in most cases, not always) and then cry afterwards about why you can’t find a good guy. The victim mode that turns into the comfort zone, I know it so well, it almost feels like I invented it (no worries, not trying to steal anyone’s credits).
He told me yesterday after a long, intense, scary as fuck and deep conversation- “I want it. I feel like we are supposed to Dance, and I am getting up willing to wait for you on the dance floor but you are not even ready to get up for that couch“
It’s normal and okay to be terrified and scared. This is, a huge insight I have accepted and a big step, for someone who wasn’t even aware of this existing fear. But there is only one person that can help you get up from this couch and that’s you. Get up, walk slowly towards the dance floor and enjoy yourself. Dance like there is no tomorrow, laugh as much as you can, cry because someone stepped on your toes, be confused because someone can’t keep up with your rythm, be open to learning new dance moves and most importantly, don’t forget- if it doesn’t work out the way you wanted it to, there will always be a different dance partner.
A not too Little Girl