1. 16-year-old Regina George vs. 16-year-old me:
If Regina reminds you of an apartment-owning, tax-paying adult woman it’s because she is one. Rachel McAdams was 26 years old when she played the mean girl in Mean Girls. I, on the other hand, have the squishy dough face of a fetus growing outside the womb like a NORMAL teen.
2. Isis, an 18-year-old cheer queen vs. my friend Lyle, and 18-year-old human burrito:
Gabrielle Union was 28 years old when she played Isis in Bring It On. Is she passing for a high schooler? Ask my friend Lyle, the cherubic, person-sized burrito.
3. Frank Abagnale Jr., age 17, vs. my friend Logan, also age 17:
Leonardo DiCaprio was 28 when Catch Me If You Can premiered. One of these people looks like a child, the other looks like a man who has children of his own in several states. I’ll let you assess which one is which.
4. Peter Parker the oldest 15-year-old who ever lived vs. my friend Taylor an actual 16-year-old:
I am so confident Andrew Garfield, age 28 at the time, isn’t passing for 15 in The Amazing Spider-Man that I used a picture of Taylor a WHOLE YEAR older just to prove my point. You’re a GROWN MAN, Andrew Garfield! Go play an accountant or something.
5. Cordelia Chase at 15 vs. my friend Dao at 15:
Charisma Carpenter started on Buffy the Vampire Slayer when she was 27, a literal 12 year difference from her character. By that same logic, Dao could have played a three-year-old baby. A THREE. YEAR. OLD. BABY.
6. Arthur Fonzarelli of unknown age vs. my friend Matt of 16:
OK so I’ve read the entire Wikipedia page on Fonzie and I can’t figure out how old he is exactly, but his storyline in Happy Days as a high school drop out leads me to believe he is a teen in the first few seasons. Henry Winkler was 29 when he first played the Fonz. Matt, on the other hand, was an actual teen in this photo. Which one of these people would you offer a job with 401k benefits to? Exactly.
7. 17-year-old Betty Rizzo vs. 16-and-a-half-year-old Caroline the Triceratops.
Stockard Channing was thirty-fucking-four in Grease. But I have a confession: my friend Caroline isn’t really a triceratops. She is a human girl.
8. Rachel Berry, a 15-year-old who dresses like a young CEO vs. my friend Claire, a 15-year-old who dresses like a ham:
Lea Michele was 23 at the beginning of Glee, which is one of the least egregious age differences on this list AND YET I’M STILL ANGRY. At 15 you should look like a ham. It’s what god wants.
9. Tim Riggins, who is clearly not 18 years old vs. my friend Spencer, who clearly is:
Taylor Kitsch was 25 at the start of Friday Night Lights. He could have used Spencer as the football.
10. Lane Kim at 15 vs. my friend Sarah at 15:
Keiko Agena played a 15-year-old in the first season of Gilmore Girls despite being a 26-year-old in real life. Can we all agree that no amount of pink elephant sweaters will ever capture the natural innocence 15-year-old Sarah is oozing?
11. 16-year-old Dionne Davenport vs. 16-year-old Andrea:
Stacey Dash was 29 for Clueless—you know, the age you start wondering if you want to have babies. My friend Andrea WAS a baby. See?
12. Daisy Fay, a supposed 17-year-old vs. my friend Jade, a literal 17-year-old:
No one’s saying Carey Mulligan doesn’t have the skin of a newly born calf, HOWEVER, she was 28 during The Great Gatsby and why why why do we do this as a society. Please gaze upon Jade’s face and remember that THIS is what 17-year-olds look like and if you are 17 now and you look more like Jade than Carey, IT’S OK IT’S NORMAL YOU ARE NORMAL OK I’M GONNA GO LIE DOWN.
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