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Blog: Santa vs Jesus

Santa vs. Jesus

Santa Claus and Jesus, what do they both have in common? Sure they are both have beards, and the both wore white after labor day, but I’m talking about their power.

Which one is more powerful, more so, which one would win in a fight? Now sure we can explain this away pretty quickly with magic and religion, but I’m a man of today’s reality. So I decided place my faith in the closest thing we have to magic, science. So in my spare time, I decided to write a semi-not-so-really-scientific, clearly satirical, and mostly bull-crap hypothesis on the fight between Jesus Christ and Santa Claus. Surely it can’t be that hard. The son of god right? Well it gets pretty complicated if you think about every aspect. You might just be surprised by the answer.

Now to make sense of everything we have to set clear definitions of who they are, so we can get a solid base of who each person is, this will be our control. This may be a bit more difficult than it sounds because they are so many different conflicting myths of each character. Secondly, we must identify each persona’s followers and colleagues and see how they are respected in the eyes of their armies and in the perspective of the world. This will determine the amount of control that they have over their people. Lastly we must deduce a real way of explaining their powers. These real world statistics will give us a scale for which we can judge the scope of their power. Now I’ve done extensive research and found out that both Santa and Jesus have countless powers. To make this a short list, I want to boil each person down to their 3 most notable powers and see who would win.

***Disclaimer- I shouldn’t have to say this, but obviously Jesus is a pacifist and he would never fight. In that scenario, Santa instantly wins, but that’s not fun. So in this hypothetical scenario Jesus would fight. Remember, I am asking who would win. The question is NOT who is a better person, or who is the better man, but who can bring the most pain.***

Jesus Christ

  • Who is he?
    1. For the sole purpose of this experiment, we will be using the a very specific version of Jesus. In many versions of christian-based religion he is seen as both god and Jesus, or simultaneously a trinity(Jesus, God, Holy Ghost). You can’t really focus on a subject and judge them without bias if you have to also think of their counterparts. Plus adding the creator of the known universe and everything is kind of a cop-out and inevitably makes all of this paper redundant.
      1. Statistics-
        1. He liked washing people’s feet. He might have a foot fetish, but I don’t judge. Anyway, Trench foot was a real problem in World War 1, and hygiene is definitely a plus when it comes to warfare.
        2. He was into carpentry. Jesus was good with tools. No, I’m not talking about Mexican stereotypes. The son of god may have some crazy powers, but a good knowledge of tool sets and wood working must should give him a couple points.
          1. Power Rating: 5/5: Jesus has more brand name recognition than anyone else on the planet. He has a good set of basic skills, and some pretty impressive powers, but his strongest ability may lie within the power of his words.
  • Armies
    1. Followers- The J-man had people who didn’t like him, that was pretty obvious in the end. But he was all about this golden rule and stuff, unfortunately, some of his followers believe upholding his rules no matter the circumstances. This makes the J-man(a man who wasn’t about violence), a pretty dangerous man to deal with.
      1. Loyalty Rating: 3/5. People love this man, and I have no doubt that they would listen to him, but the thing is you can never control people(you know free will and all that. It’s actually kind of ironic in this situation). So even though his people may have good intentions in mind, they may sidetrack the rules a little for a perceived greater good.
      2. Power Rating: 3/5. A human is smart, cunning, and can think on his feet. People are stupid, frightened, instinctual creatures. I believe they can be very powerful, but mob mentality can be detrimental to this group.
    1. Colleagues- He had 3 wise old dudes, 12 apostles, a virgin, and cool ass donkey. Now the old wise men brought a lot of money. And everyone knows you can’t start a good war without a couple digits in the bank, so that’s got to help. They rest don’t seem like much help here, but who knows? Shrek was a theater hit and I know I stayed for the donkey.
      1. Loyalty Rating: 5/5. These are his true believers. They will not leave his side, and follow every order without question.
      2. Power Rating: 2/5. They come in small numbers and don’t have any discernible skill that stands them out from his followers. The gold from the old wise men will be the only leverage this group maintains. If only the donkey talked.
  • Powers
    1. Matter manipulation(at an atomic/subatomic level)
      1. He can turn water into wine. The important thing to remember is matter can’t be destroyed or created. He isn’t creating something out of nothing, but altering the atomic composition of a product and changing it into something else entirely.
        1. Scientific Example: Right now, this is kind of impossible. Atoms are held together by electromagnetism, and we can’t manipulate that force.
      1. Walking on Water. He is able to walk on water through adjusting his density. This is also done through matter manipulation.
        1. Scientific Example: Again, this is kind of impossible. Atoms are held together by electromagnetism, and we can’t manipulate that force at this time.
        2. Power Rating: 5/5. Now he can effectively change anything into anything. That has almost boundless in opportunities, and can rarely be unrivaled.
    1. Restoration
      1. He gave someone their site back and he also healed the sick. Healing the sick isn’t that helpful anymore, I mean a $3 bottle of ibuprofen at a gas station that can help take away my pain, but curing blindness is interesting. He is like his own medic on the battlefield. This may take away from his leadership responsibilities, but I’d like to think that he would make up the time with the soldiers that he saves.
        1. Scientific Example: This ability has already been created, a company called ‘Esight’ has created glasses that give the blind the ability to see.
        2. Power Rating: 3/5. Higher than average healing capabilities will be useful when fighting swarms of people. Unfortunately he is only one person, he can’t heal everyone.
    1. Resurrection
      1. He comes back from the dead. It’s a pretty good trick, no one has been able to replicate it, and it would come in handy on the field of battle.
        1. Scientific Example: The closest scientific explanation would be that of the zombie-like fungus, Ophiocordyceps unilateralis
        2. Power Rating: 5/5. Considering that this has never been done before, resurrection is a coveted ability. He may not be invincible, but it’s the next best thing.

Santa Cause

  1. Who is he?
    1. The first edition of Saint Nicholas was born sometime around 280 A.D. It is said he gave away all of his wealth and traveled around helping the poor and sick. He spreads joy to many different children by giving them gifts and candy.
      1. Statistics
        1. He is a large man capable of controlling many people. Elves make toys for him every year, without fail. The reindeer drive him everywhere like dogs. Santa doesn’t need to trust his soldiers, because they fear him.
        2. He lives up in the north pole 355 days of the year. Being accustomed to cold weather has made Santa body tougher than normal. If not tough, than easily adaptable.
          1. Power Rating: 5/5 Santa is a scary man. He alone has control over a large worldwide corporation that has a express delivery faster than anything known to man.
  1. Armies
    1. Followers- Santa is known for bringing cheer to every home, but he is also known for bringing coal. His millions of followers may be encouraged to be happy and wonderful, but his holiday also brings rampant consumerism. Santa’s comparison to Satan may just be more than a namesake.
      1. Loyalty Rating: 5/5. Cheer and happiness is a good base, but greed is an even greater motivator. I’d say an overwhelming amount of people love Santa than hate him even if it was for the wrong reasons.
      2. Power Rating: 2/5. Most of his followers consist of children. They may be large in numbers, but children are still children.
    1. Colleagues- Remember he has a slave race of half-like humans called elves. The slave race of elves are not only efficient with tools, but are also pretty angry for being imprisoned for almost 2,000 years. Don’t forget about the 9 flying reindeer. Have you ever seen a car hit a deer? That fucks your car right up. I can’t imagine what 9 mystical flying reindeer will do to your subaru, but it can’t be good. You don’t want to mess with Rudolf either, I bet he can start electrical fires.
      1. Loyalty Rating: 2/5. The reindeer are still basically reindeer, the whip should be all that he needs to keep them in check. But I believe the elves are the ones he should fear. I don’t know if he chains them up in houses, but we never see them not working on toys. I am sensing a revolt any minute now, if not at least some passive resistance to fight.
      2. Power Rating: 5/5. He has 9 large magical reindeer that fly, they are definitely not something you fight against. Hidden in houses across the north lie an army of elves that are efficient with tools. They may be similar to children, but they seem to work well together so that gives them an edge.
  1. Powers
    1. Super Speed/Time Dilation
      1. Santa Claus can visit virtually every home in one night. Now it’s physically impossible to visit every house in that time period, but since he moves at an almost impossible speed, he could do this in a matter of seconds.
        1. Scientific Example: Right now, going that fast isn’t possible, but time slowing down is explained within Einstein’s theory of relativity. So once he does reach such a speed, he will be able to slow time down.
        2. Power Rating: 4/5. At the rate Santa moves, it’s no question he could win the battle solo by disabling every person present. But it is important to remember that this speed is partially dependent on his reindeer. So if his reindeer gets taken out, then this can arguably cripple his greatest asset.
    1. All knowing
      1. He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake. Unfortunately, all times of your life spent awake, and sleeping cover pretty much your entire life. Either way, Santa knows how this battle will end.
        1. Scientific Example: There is no real world explanation for this besides being the creator of  all existence, but currently there is no proof Santa is god.
        2. Power Rating: 3/5. I know what you’re thinking, obviously an omniscient person should know what’s coming, but think about it from this way. Santa already knows who will win this battle, so this can inspire lethargy or confidence. He won’t have to worry about his next actions because he knows how this entire war is planned out.
    1. Immortality
      1. Santa was born over 1,800 years ago. Considering the longest living person on record was 122 years old, it’s safe to say that Santa has achieved immortality, or at least ages at an severely decreased rate.
        1. Scientific Example: He most likely has achieved immortality through microscopic nanotech machines programmed to rebuild and fix organic matter. This tech should be available within the next century.
        2. Power Rating: 4/5. We are currently unsure if he is invincible, only that the is immortal. He may die from a gunshot, but not from old age. Seeing as Jesus is basically immortal due to resurrection, Santa should be able to fight just as long as Jesus, as long as he doesn’t occur any severe damage. For that I am taking 1 point of a perfect 5/5.

Who Will Win?

jesus 1 santa1
Statistics:5/5 Statistics: 5/5
Followers: 6/10 Followers: 7/10
Colleagues: 7/10 Colleagues: 7/10
Powers: 13/15 Powers: 11/15
Total: 31/45 Total: 30/45


jesus 1

Were you expecting anyone else? Truthfully I was hoping for Santa. I’m a big fan of ‘The Flash’, and Santa is the closest thing to a real life superhero(Jesus is a little over-powered for my taste). But you can’t really argue with the sun of god who can manipulate your atomic structure break you down into carbon atoms.

The full picture is right here:


This post first appeared on Frank And Bob, please read the originial post: here

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