(NewsWire) Holladay, UT
Ahead of the November election, former Republican Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney has released a full list of sins, documenting every transgression he’s committed since 1960. In a press conference Monday, Governor Romney stated he hopes other candidates will follow his moral example and release their own lists of misdeeds.
The four page pdf document spans the majority of Romney’s life, beginning with a lustful entry in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan, when the young Republican had an “unobstructed view of a fully exposed shoulder belonging to Molly McCarren, her blouse gently billowing in the Autumn breeze. Crisp and biting, yet sensual and inviting, like Lady Bird Johnson with a plate of fresh gingersnaps cookies.”
The list details Romney’s lust and rage fueled late-adolescents where he was known to push the limits of his parents’ authority. Page two entirely consists of each time young Mitt stayed up late without his parents’ permission to watch frequent guest Jerry Lewis on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. Other self-recognized transgressions include touching his knees too much, saying “Pepsi is okay” when Pepsi wasn’t okay, licking a frosting spoon twice when once was sufficient, and “that abortion.”
“I hope this move will encourage our presidential candidates to lead more open and honest campaigns,” said Romney. “I don’t know if we should elect a person who sniffs the davenport cushions when their guests leave, but it’s up to the citizens of this country to make that decision, and that decision should be informed.”
Romney’s list includes lurid details into the sinning life of the former-governor, going into specifics about his college dream to “sniff butts” and a time where he tipped a chamber maid $2 in quarters on a week’s hotel stay because he couldn’t break a $100 bill.
“I’m not sure why he’s doing this,” says Dr. Mark Button, chair of the Political Science Department at the University of Utah. “He’s not a candidate. What does he think he can add to the political discourse in this country by doing this? Whose mind is he going to change? Romney is more washed up than the Martha’s Vineyard driftwood he stuck up his ass when he was fourteen.”
More recent entries document Romney’s fascination with “procreating with Ann several times,” staring at the sun for two minutes without blinking, and confusing sangria with Hawaiian Punch and waggling his penis at Nancy Reagan during a fundraiser to replace the greens at the Belmont Country Club.
So far the response from voters is lukewarm as the consensus seems to be confusion over why Romney thinks he’s relevant in 2016.
In response, Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton demanded the other candidates release their lists at the same as she cracked her knuckles and readied her battle-worn redacting marker. Senator Bernie Sanders has also yet to release a list, claiming his “only sin is putting the American people before God,” while real estate mogul Donald Trump simply laughed, called Romney a “pajama-wearing shitbird” and continued to waggle his penis at the corpse of Nancy Reagan.
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