(NewsWire) Draper, Utah

The palpable sense of change and innovation is back in the air of Utah’s hallowed Silicon Slopes. In a lengthy Facebook post, local entrepreneur Karen Thomas, CEO of Etsy’s “Knitter Please”, announced Tuesday that the famed shop will be moving its headquarters from the desk next to washing machine in the basement to a state-of-the-art production and distribution facility, located in the garage where husband Doug Thomas used to park his truck.

“We simply outgrew our old location,” says Thomas. “When I started this company back in 2015, we knew we had to adapt to remain relevant in the marketplace. As a crafting industry thought leader, our customers expect us to be on the cutting edge of design. Our new facility gives us the space to unleash our full creativity, and to continuously innovate with the next-gen products with which we’ve built our reputation.”

The new 75 sq ft. workspace includes premium fluorescent lighting, open floor plan, wi-fi connectivity, and an unrestricted view into the new kitchen of neighbor Cathy Peterson, who reportedly hasn’t talked to her sister in 6 months.

“I wanted to create a place of unfettered imitation. When a new design rears it’s beautiful head online, I want to be the first to shamelessly lacerate its scalp for my own benefit,” said Thomas, reaching for a name-brand cola out of the old fridge from before their recent kitchen remodel.

With almost a dozen new orders every month, the e-commerce juggernaut shows no signs of slowing down, unlike Cathy Peterson’s romantic life which has been all but abandoned in the wake of her husband’s growing resentment of their four children.

New opportunities also mean new challenges. Thomas, by her own admission, is still adjusting to the size of her garage.

“Back in our first location, I could find just about any material for my products. Yarns to needles, I could easily locate the assets I needed,” explains Thomas. “We’re still working out the kinks, although if I’m desperate for a needle I guess I could always ask Cathy’s son Trevor. He usually leaves a few in my garden when he comes home from rehab.”

While Karen takes on the world, her “faithful, supporting, and eternally loving” partner Doug patiently awaits the day for her to “move on to some acai juice pyramid scheme or multi-level marketing crap” so he can stop scraping frost off his windshield every morning just so she can feel like she’s contributing.

“Maybe she’ll finish her degree and get her teaching license like she said she was going to before we had kids. I don’t know. I just have too many goddamn knit beanies.”

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