Thank you for agreeing to meet with me. I know you’re all important big shots, and you’re busy running your bigshot Movie studio. I’ll keep this quick.

Well, me, the wife, and the kids (say hi) enjoy that God’s Not Dead movie an awful lot. We cried, we laughed our keisters off, you ended with a praise song, and you even had one of the Duck Dynasty guys in it. A perfect movie, in my book.

I even saw those parts two, three, and four you cooked up. I don’t know how you topped yourself. But each one? Better than the last! Melissa Joan Hart? Tatum O’Neill? The dreamboat from Big Fat Greek Wedding? The stars just kept on coming!

Wait a sec. I’m not done yet.

Now imagine the look on my face when I’m digging a hole in my backyard and I come across this.

Look. White beard. Robe. Judgmental stare, just rigor-mortised right on there. 

Don’t try to fool me. That’s God’s dead Body right there. Now, what do you all have to say? Go write a Newsboys song about that.

Now, look, you promised me that God was alive. That he was surely alive. And for some reason, as God is my witness, there he is. 

I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed. Oh wait, I’m mad. 

I believed every word of your movie, and I was born again in the word of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, the only cause of your movie. He got me off drinking! And what do I have to show for it? Nothing. I can’t even build a portico in my yard because the county won’t let me do squat until they investigate. Some messiah.

No, he’s definitely God. No genitals. You better believe the first thing I did was get in there and look for the genitals. Also, I brought him to the police station to run a blood test, and his blood type turned to wine. All the officers and I had a laugh and drank the wine. Long story short, I’m back on drinking again.

Now listen, here’s what I want from you fellas: 

1. The cost of four movie tickets, cash. 

2. For you to apologize to my baby girl right there, whose day you ruined after she had to watch a guy get pulled beard-first out of a ditch. 

3. A belief system a guy can hang his hat on. And not one of those ones with crystals or gems or any other nonsense you have to pull out of the ground. I’m done pulling things out of the ground. 

4. Change the names of the movies you got to God Is Dead, God Is Dead 2, God is For Sure Dead, God Is Dead: It’s Dark in My Yard, and God’s Dead Presents: Jackass 3D

5. Five more God’s Not Dead movies, but just make it so God doesn’t have to be not dead. I love ‘em!

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not an atheist. This is definitely God. God is real. I believe in God. I believe that he died. And I believe that he was buried in my yard. Read the police report. He was buried with two tablets of commandments, a very nice woman who was running out of oxygen (named Gina), and a pet salamander (rest in peace). Now I don’t know if that was altogether, or separate things. There’s a lot of stuff going on in my yard.

Speaking of which, I think we oughtta find the guys who did this. Answer me this: Was it you? Answer me this: Who had the most to gain from God being dead? Hmm? HMMM?

Well, let’s leave that there. I’m clearly not going to get you to admit to anything. But I do want what I said, and I do want you to take this corpse. And y’know what? I’d like to respectfully demand, sirs, that I be in one of your movies while you’re at it. I love your movies.

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