Hello, and welcome to Utica, the arson capital of New York state! We’re shocked but also thrilled that you’re visiting. Our city may seem like one big drug den right now, but if you just take a closer look you are sure to realize all the beauty this city has to offer.

On second thought, don’t take a closer look. Just refer to this guide.

Hospitality and Accommodations: Many of you are just passing through either on your way to New York City (only four hours away!) or heading up north to end it all at Niagara Falls. Well, you’ll need somewhere to stay for eight hours so let’s find you a perfect place to spend a horrifying evening.

• Days Inn Utica: If you’re looking for a hotel room with feces on the floor (is it from a human or a dog? Who knows? That’s the fun!), look no further than the Days Inn Utica.

• Fairfield Inn and Suites: Coming with the whole family? Great! Head on over to Fairfield Inn and Suites where you can hear a couple in the next room loudly arguing. I’m sure that bang was just the AC but hey, at least it’s quiet now!

• Doubletree by Hilton: So you’re a son of bitch who thinks he’s better than everyone? Then the Doubletree by Hilton is the place for you! You’ll be met by a gracious staff who will make your needs their top priority. Ride on our newly renovated elevator and walk into your fantastic suite. Then look out the window and realize you’re still in Utica, you arrogant bastard.

Food and Drink: Have you ever wanted to visit a restaurant run by Tony Soprano? Well, even though the show is off the air, you can get the full experience at any number of fine Utica establishments. Here are a few local favorites:

• Yummilicious Cafe and Bakery: With a name like that, it has to be terrible!

• Lotus Garden: Everyone knows that when you think of great Asian food you think of Utica, and Lotus Garden is no exception. Come for the mediocre food, stay for the overabundance of white people.

• Ocean Blue Restaurant and Oyster Bar: This fantastic seafood restaurant is conveniently located just two hundred miles from the Atlantic Ocean, so you can guarantee that the food is 100% awful. Or maybe it was caught in a local Utica pond – yum!

Entertainment: Utica is well acquainted with fine entertainment, as many of our locals need constant distraction from their shockingly depressing lives. This has led Utica to become the cultural hub of upstate New York, just behind Syracuse, Albany, Rochester, Buffalo, Binghamton, Ithaca, Canandaigua, and everywhere else. Here are some great options for a night out on the town:

• Watch a respected Utica doctor smoke marijuana on the sidewalk in just his underwear.

• Visit the Utica children’s museum and see some of the saddest children America has to offer. Where are their parents? Who are you to judge? You’re an adult. Why are you spending your free time at a children’s museum?

• Visit the Irish cultural center, conveniently open from 4 p.m. to 9 p.m. Thursday through Saturday, and closed at all other times. The center is also stocked with a wide variety of imported alcohol and spirits, because nothing says Irish or Utica like getting drunk at 4 p.m. on a Thursday while taking your child to the Irish cultural center.

Thanks for visiting Utica. We know you won’t be back but hey, at least you didn’t die here!

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