I’ve been on Cameo more than two months, and not one person has bought a video message off me. But why? The Juice is skilled at many things: football, acting, and always getting the job done. Whatever your beef against me, one piece of evidence that’s been proven true is you can receive a Cameo from me that slays for the price of $500. That’s a price that can’t be beat, even when the beating comes from yours truly!
So why doesn’t anyone want a Cameo from me?
If you purchased a Cameo from me, I’d make it super personalized for my fans. I’ll never mess up your name or the point of the Cameo because I’m great at memorizing specifics like your name, interests, exact location, along with any other details you provide in the description. So when it eventually comes time to film, I’ll have my facts right. Something as custom as a fun, light-hearted, innocent Cameo will be a treasure for the rest of your lifetime, which I have no authority over when that will end. Not to mention, it will probably be worth a lot of money in the future, maybe almost as much as my bail! But let’s not get into that – who’s up for a gift that will last generations, just like my reputation?
Does no one know who the Juice is anymore? Here’s a little reminder. I’m the guy running through the airport for Hertz commercials, and since I stopped doing those commercials, no one has gotten into random cars. I’m the guy who was in the Naked Gun movies your dad likes. I was in the NFL before CTE, which wasn’t a thing back then. So I can’t possibly have it! I promoted Ford Broncos and their crazy horsepower and smooth all-wheel drive. Those reasons alone should make you want to get a Cameo for your friend who just graduated from a state school. You’re getting such a bargain when a big star like me is on the same platform as Carole Baskin, that crazy tiger lady. How does she get away with… so many Cameos?
Did you want to hear a little bit of the stuff I’ve been working on? I’ve got a few rough drafts here so if I’m asked for a Cameo unprompted, I’ll have my story straight. Here’s one I’ve been working on that I’m especially proud of: Hey, Lisa! It’s the Juice! I hope you’re having a killer summer. Your husband Steve told me you’re bummed you have to celebrate your 45th birthday at home because of coronavirus. But hey, sitting at home is way better than sitting in jail! Just watch out for those murder hornets, haha!
I still have to do some re-working on that last one, but whether it be birthdays, bar mitzvahs, or “welcome home from jail” party greetings, I’m readily available for all of your celebratory needs. And no matter the occasion, I’m sure to make your day!
Not only are my Cameos fun for the whole family, they’re 100% safe. You can watch it in the safety of your home with your doors locked if it makes you feel comfortable. Remember, it’s a Cameo, not Evidence B! Also, Cameos can’t be used against me in the court of law – that’s the rule, or at least that’s what my lawyers told me.
Times are tough right now, and I totally understand what you’re going through. We’ve all had our rough patches. I’ve lost sponsorship deals, I’ve gotten injured during a big game, and I’ve been accused of some unthinkable things. If they had Cameos back in 1994, I know it would’ve cheered me up while I was on parole.
So what else do I need to do to convince you to get a Cameo from me? For the first time in my life, I’ll tell the truth and nothing but the truth of why I’m on Cameo: I really need the money because I stopped making movies twenty-six years ago and the NFL wants nothing to do with me. Even my biological daughter, Khloe Kardashian, won’t lend me some cash. So I’m doing this. Help a friend out. Come on guys, you know I would kill on it.
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