Edgartown, Martha’s Vineyard: Drive to Cape Cod and take the twenty-minute ferry to the island where the rich and famous vacation. Except the ferries are running at reduced vessel capacity and it’s a touch-free experience so you have to maintain your balance while hurling overboard. Once your stomach settles, go ahead and swim the waters of Joseph Sylvia State Beach, aka the Jaws beach; sharks are the least of your worries.
Phoenix, Arizona: Golf in the desert, where they use more water than any other place in the country to keep you putting. Their courses will never close no matter how bad things get, because they care about, well, grass.
Jacksonville, Florida: Come to the Sunshine State and ride the second wave of the virus at one of the fun-filled beaches. You probably won’t die but you can take a souvenir home that will infect up to nine of your closest friends and family members.
Houston, Texas: While the ever-popular Space Center Houston is currently closed, you can still get blasted on a frosty Lone Star at any of the city’s numerous bars. Bonus: the hospitals are full, but the hotels are empty. Whatever you do, don’t wear a mask; masks are for libtards. This will be your last vacation ever.
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