Welcome to Sam’s Club, you pieces of shit. You are standing before us in the candlelight of our back storage room with dozens of photos of Sam Walton, our founder, surrounding us because you have made the oath to become one of us, a Sam’s Club membership holder.

Tonight, you will begin to prove your loyalty to Sam’s Club. Sam’s Club isn’t just a convenient, price-conscious, one-stop shopping center for the whole family, and it’s more than just a club: it’s a brotherhood for life where bloodlines run deep.

I will now read the rituals for pledging for Sam’s Club membership. If you are able to survive our pledging process, you will qualify to become Sam’s Club members for exactly one year, along with the $40 membership fee you must pay.

1. A Pledge will be forced to dodge one hundred sales reps trying to sell you a sink. Only the strong will be resilient enough to ignore these sales reps politely. 

2. A Pledge must push a shopping cart carrying two Sam’s Club Plus members around the perimeter of the store ten times or until said Pledge passes out.

3. A Pledge must recite the Sam’s Club membership terms and conditions in its entirety when demanded by the Sam’s Club general manager at any time.

4. A Pledge will experience routine verbal abuse by the Sam’s Club customer service desk about how they are a little piglet boy and not fit to be a member of Sam’s Club.

5. A Pledge will be tied onto a rotisserie chicken machine and twirled around for several hours if you refuse to buy a fifty-pack of toilet bowl cleaner in bulk like the stupid, little pledge you are. 

6. A Pledge will be thrown into the $5 DVD bin to be temporarily drowned. Be careful, you may be blinded by a copy of Marley & Me. 

7. A Pledge will be locked in with his fellow pledges into a back storage room of a dozen Vizios with the Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle DVD home screen blaring for several hours with no remote. 

8. A Pledge must have his Sam’s Club membership ID barcode branded onto his ass cheek, which doubles as a digital touchpoint to make a Sam’s Club member’s life more convenient if he forgets his ID that day.

9. A Pledge will be kidnapped from their home in the middle of the night, blindfolded, and then be submitted to a blind taste test of every single free sample in the rotation for that week, until they throw up or decide to buy the full size of the sample.

10. A Pledge must run through the nearest Costco nude to prove his loyalty to Sam’s Club, and enforce the notion that Sam’s Club will always be the superior choice when it comes to a family-friendly atmosphere.

11. A Pledge must shove a Sam’s Club food court $2.99 footlong hot dog up his anus (ketchup and mustard optional). If the Pledge does not get six inches of the wiener up said anus, the Pledge will be slapped five times by the current Sam’s Club greeter for that shift.

If you know now that you can not or will not perform these precious traditions held close to our hearts, leave now because it looks like you’re more Costco material. Bitch.

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