Unless you live under a glacier, you know the Polar Vortex is engulfing the Midwest in a record-setting deep freeze that hasn’t been seen in generations. But that doesn’t mean all the fun needs to be put on ice! There’s plenty to do inside, so here’s how to make the most of it:
Work In Your Underwear
Most days, you’re just another loser in middle management. But today, for fear of a lawsuit should you freeze to death on your commute, your company is letting you work from home. That means your office is a sofa and your suit is your skivvies. Take your conference calls in a flirty boxer brief. Or send emails while donning a lacy panty. Have fun with it! No one’s watching except your creepy neighbor.
Enjoy Your Breakfast
Since you aren’t rushing out the door, today there’s no need to gobble down an RX Bar while searching for your keys. This morning, take your time and make breakfast special. Fry some eggs. Make a pot of French press coffee. Take a shot of Scotch.
Pretend Your Shower Is a Waterfall in Fiji
It’s freezing outside but your bathroom can be an oasis. Step under the hot water and bask in its nurturing warmth. Imagine yourself surrounded by the birdsong of a tropical jungle. Envision the crystal-clear waters, totally not infested with poisonous reptiles. Picture the indigenous locals, putting together a spit for roasting a pig, because surely they couldn’t be getting ready to roast you, right?
Have Another Shot of Scotch
The imagery of getting roasted over a fire by cannibals is unsettling. Take another shot of scotch. You know what, you’re working from home. Take two more.
Catch Up on Reading
We know that you’re not really going to get any work done today. So why not use the time to catch up on some reading? Grab one of the hundreds of unread New Yorker‘s collecting dust on your coffee table and crack it open. Read three sentences before realizing you’ve had far too much scotch for writing this dense. Instead, check Twitter to see who Cardi B dunked on today.
Sit comfortably. Focus on your breathing and be alone with your own thoughts. Be appreciative that you’re here, in this warm apartment and not outside, where the air is basically the same temperature as an industrial-grade flash-freezer. Pay no attention to the idea that if you walked outside, your frozen body would be perfectly preserved. Like a fossil. Or a DiGiorno pizza.
Get Cabin Fever
Between all the scotch, the thoughts of being barbecued by natives, and accidentally taking a video conference in a leopard-print thong, you’re starting to think you might be going a little crazy. Check out WebMD to see the symptoms of Cabin Fever. Oh shit. Not good. You don’t have cabin fever. If you’re reading this right, you have a brain tumor, you’re sure of it and the more you keep reading, the more terminal this brain tumor keeps feeling. Resign yourself to death and drink scotch until you pass out at 6:30 p.m.
Wake Up Refreshed
Congratulations. You survived the polar vortex. Now all you need to do is fight off this headache, which is either a scotch hangover or a brain tumor.
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