How’s everybody doin’? I’m fine. Not like, “Ooh, she’s fine.” I’m actually pretty below average in the looks department. I’m so below average that one of my exes gave me a “D.” Only once though. Then, he came to the conclusion I wasn’t even worth that. And who could blame him? Not me.
You know when you have to lie and say, “I’m such a huge fan of your work!” And then you step away from the mirror and go about your day?
The other night this guy handed me the mic at the open mic night and I was like, “Why would anyone want to hear my voice?” And he was like, “You put your name on the list.” And I was like, “But my fine motor skills are atrocious. I can’t believe I could muster up the coordination of a few letters to write my name on the list.”
And then I went on the stage, which was odd because I suck at walking.
When I got to the stage, I told terrible jokes. Seriously, no one laughed. Two people laughed. But no one laughed. I’m not sure why and I never will be because I lack the ability to understand others’ perceptions of me or my humor.
After the show, I got home to my shitty apartment; I have poor control over my bowel movements, so there’s a shit smell that permeates the place. And I have three cats and I don’t ever change the Litter Box (and neither do they). So, to be fair, it could be the cats. But, it’s probably just me.
They don’t change the box because they’re cats. And I didn’t need to say that because you’re not stupid, like me.
I don’t change the litter box because I have no upper body strength; I can’t lift the litter bags to save my life. Once, there was a fire in my building and I had to move a litter bag away from the door to get out. But I couldn’t, so I just waited for the firefighters to arrive. Thankfully, they saved me.
I gotta say: I’m not the best at being saved. When the firefighters arrived, one of them hoisted me up over his shoulders.
I was like, “Am I even worth saving?”
And he was like, “What?”
I imagine it was hard to hear with the pieces of roof collapsing around us, especially while wearing all his gear.
And I was like, “AM I EVEN WORTH SAVING?”
Turns out “first responders” aren’t always responsive. He never did answer my question. Maybe he didn’t hear me. Or maybe he had other thoughts on his mind at the time. Or maybe he rightfully deemed that question to be super lame.
I’m literally the worst at asking questions. One time in school the teacher asked if we had any questions about the assignment and I was like, “Do elephant pads ring without map goldfish yada blargh?”
And she was like, “I’m sorry?”
And I was like, “Me too.”
And that’s my time. You guys have been great! A lot better than me.
Not that I set the bar very high.
I’m not the greatest at goodbyes.
The post I’m the Self-Deprecating Comedian You All Know and Would Love If I Weren’t Totally Unlovable appeared first on Robot Butt.