WASHINGTON – Introduced by Paul Ryan and having the full support of the GOP behind it, House Republicans seem poised to pass a new bill that will make it illegal for anyone other than whoever is in first to throw the Blue Shell in Mario Kart. The blue shell, an item typically reserved for those further behind in the race that automatically attacks whoever is in first, was seen as an unfair advantage by Republicans.

“The people in first in Mario Kart are actually at the greatest disadvantage in the world of the game,” Ryan said. “Everyone always attacks the person in first. We believe by reconfiguring who has access to the blue shell, it can help us all achieve some balance.”

When asked for his input, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said, “We believe in trickle-down blue shells. If you give the people in first the blue shell, then over time, the people in twelfth can one day get the blue shell, too. Or you know, maybe they’ll only get the green shells, which is the toughest item to use because you actually have to aim. I’m somewhat of a shell expert you see because I look like a turtle.”

Paul Ryan and other House Republicans have remained tight lipped about what the rest of the bill consists of. Democrats expressed concern about what would be left for the other Mario Kart players. At a press conference, Ryan assured the media that everyone would still get a fair deal.

“There are still plenty of items for the other players. How about getting one banana? You could really do some damage if you leave it by a ramp,” he said. “Or how about the fake item box? It doesn’t matter that now racers in first get the blue shell and that shell automatically hits whoever is in last place. If anything, people in last in Mario Kart should be thanking us for this bill.”

Paul Ryan called the interview to a halt so that he could play a rousing game of Mario Kart with his friends. We managed to ask him if the new bill would go into effect for his match, and Ryan’s response was, “Are you kidding? I stink at Mario Kart. I need those blue shells, but the rest of the American public will be just fine without them.”

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