1. Abraham Lincoln’s Assassination
Theatergoer 1: John Wilkes Booth is making his way toward the president’s box with the intent to yell something in Latin!
Theatergoer 2: Not on my watch.
2. Wall Street Crash of 1929
Stockbroker 1: My gun brings me such unbridled confidence, I believe I’ll invest another hundred thousand in the market.
Stockbroker 2: Let’s all funnel more money into the already-stable American stock market.
All of America: *Triumphantly fires guns into the sky*
3. The JFK Assassination
Dallas Civilian 1: There’s a nefarious character situated on that grassy knoll.
Dallas Civilian 2: Already got him in my sights.
Civilian 1: And is that an unhinged former U.S. Marine aiming at the president’s motorcade from the sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository?
Civilian 2: I’ve shot everyone within a 20-foot radius of a book.
JFK: I live!
4. The Series Finale of Seinfeld
Writer 1: Maybe we ought to table this courtroom trial concept and visit the shooting range to clear our heads.
Writer 2: I agree, firing guns helps us decompress, reach higher planes of thought, and will no doubt help generate a fresher conclusion befitting this timeless series.
5. More Than Two Centuries of Societal Racism
White Person: Is that a Mark XIX Desert Eagle in .50 Action Express with a Picatinny rail?
Minority: Sure is.
White Person: I have that exact same gun! Would you consider dating my daughter?
6. Institutional Oppression of Women
Hiring Manager: I don’t see why you shouldn’t be earning the same salary as your male counterpart. Evaluating performance based on sex is as baseless as discriminating against a cast lead .40 caliber bullet simply because it isn’t a monolithic solid.
Female Employee: Thank you, guns!
7. The Disappearance of the Middle Class
Middle Class Civilian 1: I’m here!
Middle Class Civilian 2: Me too, not fading into gradual decay.
Middle Class Civilian 3: It’s the deafening resurgence of the American gun owner that keeps us relevant.
8. 2016 U.S. Presidential Election
Voter 1: I’m not angry at all. I think I’ll vote sensibly.
Voter 2: I agree. Good thing we have guns to keep us level-headed and open-minded.
9. Harvey Weinstein Defiles Hollywood
Harvey Weinstein: Touch my penis.
Starlet: *Aims gun at Harvey Weinstein’s penis*
Weinstein: I see now the folly of this crude advance. I shall leave Hollywood tonight.
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