ATLANTA – Rumors are circulating over the specifics of God’s newest project, the 2018 flu, after biological specimens were leaked to an anonymous doctor at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention this week.
“Based on electron microscopy, the virus appears to be eight nanometers slimmer than previous generations of the flu,” said the doctor. “Which is impressive because it’s twice as powerful; its RNA is now four GB [giga bases] long.”
At a press conference at his headquarters in The Clouds, God addressed these rumors dressed in his signature black turtleneck and round-rimmed glasses.
“There have been some complaints about the violent projectile vomiting,” God said. “But I am confident patients will soon grow to love this improvement. Thin is in, and nothing makes you thinner faster than forcefully regurgitating everything you eat.”
“The fact that the new flu causes fevers so high that people explode was an unintended new feature,” He continued. “But gods of other religions are also creating exploding viruses, so maybe this will just be the new norm.”
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