(Note: Memo is written entirely in crayon)
From: Donald Trump
Subject: Implementation Status
This Memorandum serves as a reminder for all agencies that I am now in charge. That’s right, me. Not Barack Obama. ME. And believe me, I can very easily say “You’re fired.”
First things first: I need all of you newbies to complete a background check and make sure you have your credentials issued. You’ll also be outfitted with a tracking device that measures your ratings. Yes, from now on you’ll all be subject to ratings.
To this end, the Office of Homeland Absurdity has drafted a memo entitled “Validating and Monitoring White House Employees and Their Dramas.” Please remember, key phrases to use regularly include “I’m not here to make friends,” “He threw me under the bus,” and “The Donald has spoken.”
You have 24 hours to comply with this mandate. Now, I know a number of departments will have issues with meeting the deadline. You’ll have to just grab life by an anatomical body part and figure it out. I have figured out how to do things bigly, and I know none of you are as intelligent as me, but you’ll figure it out or – guess what?! – you’re fired! I know I already said that, but get used to hearing it – a lot.
If you aren’t intelligent enough to find a way to comply with this necessary task by the deadline, you do have another option: to coast on your good looks. That’s right, I said it. I’m just honest! Other people won’t say what they really mean, but I do. So if you’re really good-looking, you can stay. Especially if you’re female and willing to give me a piece of your young and beautiful ass.
I look forward to working with all of you. If you have any questions regarding this memo, please contact Omarosa Manigault, Administrator for White House Reality Show and Information Technology, at extension 6616.
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