House Hunters: International Escape
Each half-hour episode chronicles the struggles and general angst of a wealthy, white, conventionally attractive couple as they attempt to flee America in the wake of Trump’s ascendance. Even though the xenophobic and pro-rich policies espoused by the presidential nominee do not affect them in any tangible way, they do cause a good deal of psychological suffering. Thus, tapping into their inherited wealth to move abroad is the only viable option. The couples are willing to move anywhere as long as the people are welcoming, the beaches are pristine, and the available homes have both room for a home office and plenty of space for entertaining.
Tiny Hands, Big Living
These guys have it all – money, important jobs, fancy cars. The only thing standing between them and happiness is their embarrassingly small hands. Each week, a tiny-handed tycoon attempts to find the right mansion to compensate for his diminutive digits. Because, if there is one thing that makes up for hand size shame it is a huge house with four ovens, infinity pool, walk-in wine cellar, eight-car garage, his and hers master bathrooms, and a humidor.
Fix Her Upper
Tagline: “Look at that face!” Each week, the show follows an underachieving 50-something man as he attempts to find love, a place to live, and a successful woman to mooch off of. Through a combination of bombast and overconfidence afforded by years of male privilege, the eligible bachelor worms his way into the woman’s life and proceeds to erode her self-image with subtle putdowns about her physical appearance. In the end, she has to decide if her self-esteem and professional success are enough. Is she willing to risk losing the overweight, balding, unemployed man who sits on her couch eating potato chips all day while talking loudly on the phone about business opportunities? Tune in to find out.
Good Walls Make Good Neighbors
The U.S. government has erected a wall “unlike any you’ve ever seen before” along the nation’s southern border, inspiring a wall-building craze all across the country. Each week, Good Walls Make Good Neighbors takes you behind the scenes of a humble homeowner’s DIY wall-building project. Get tips on how to maximize height and fortification without sacrificing style. Turrets, secret sniper platforms, electrified wire toppers, simulated stucco texture – this show will give you all the ideas you need to build the barricade of your dreams.
Love It or Shut the Hell Up
Donnie is a shoot-from-the-hip, say-anything, no-holds-barred contractor that you will love to hate. Each episode, Donnie meets with a new family of losers and haters and works harder than anyone has ever worked to rehab their home and improve their miserable insignificant lives. At every step, Donnie tells it like it is and when the work is done, he stiffs the contractors, pins the blame on his punching bag of a sidekick “Crooked” Hillary, who lost her left foot in a tragic construction site accident and walks with a little tilt, and, ultimately, leaves the homeowners holding the bag. In the end, it’s up to the idiot homeowners to decide: Will They Love It or Shut the Hell Up?
Wrecked Home Rehab
A wave of mass deportation has left many houses across America vacant. Where some see tragedy, the Wrecked Home Rehab team sees opportunity! A crew of contractors and boutique realtors buys up vacated properties sight unseen, scrubs away the stains of immigrant occupancy, and readies the homes for new families to make the neighborhood great again. At the end of each episode, neighborhood residents gather for the big reveal. When the giant placards are rolled aside, the neighbors can’t wait to find out if the new owners live up to their ethnic expectations.
The post HGTV Announces New Trump-Themed Programming Lineup appeared first on Robot Butt.