2023-03-31 14:00
It’s been a big year at the Bandersnatch household. My step-son, Marcus, just turned 36, which is threatening to overshadow my 33rd birthday next week. He is the light of Debbie and I… Read More
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Robot Butt | Purveyors Of Fine Comedy And Satire Blog
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Like an oasis in the desert, we are here to quench your insatiable thirst for comedy.
2023-03-30 14:00
LOS ANGELES — A recent report surfaced which has confirmed that, in fact, the best SNL cast existed when you were between the ages of roughly 17 to 24 years old and in the most formati… Read More
2023-03-29 14:00
The post LOST! Have You Seen Our Uncle Charlie? appeared first on Robot Butt Read More
2023-03-29 01:46
The scientists here at Robot Butt have been hard at work doing the impossible. Finally creating a perfect tier list of everything. We’ve entered our extensive research and now our… Read More
2023-03-27 13:54
1. If your clothes are wet at the end, something went wrong.
2. Mysterious wads of tissue often show up later.
3. “Wow, that was a big load!”
4. Many city dwellers… Read More
2023-03-26 23:21
Living in your 20s is hard, the good, the bad, and the messy. This game is for 20-somethingsand 20-somethings only.
The post Life in Your 20s Bingo appeared first on Robot Butt Read More
2023-03-25 14:00
Netflix’s newest reality dating show Love is a Battlefield is almost here!
In this series, inspired by Love is Blind, 30 singles will meet and potentially fall in love. However, the… Read More
2023-03-24 14:00
Hip hip… HURRAH!
Hip hip… HURRAH!
Hip hip… HURRAH!
Gentlemen… before Bradford leads us in singing “Cheers for Old Nassau” in four-part harmon… Read More
2023-03-24 00:57
Oh man, it’s been a tough winter hasn’t it bug guy? Endless weeks of gray skies, snow showers, and cold slush that gets up over those fancy lace-less boots of yours, but that&rsq&hell…Read More
2023-03-22 14:00
In a move clearly inspired by Brian Kilmeade interviewing Ron DeSantis while playing catch, the CNN anchor interviewed Senator Sanders out on the ice.
Last Monday, the senator from Vermo… Read More
2023-03-22 01:46
The post TIER LIST: Mr. Met, Atticus Finch, and Moby Dick appeared first on Robot Butt Read More
2023-03-20 14:00
Thank you for agreeing to meet with me. I know you’re all important big shots, and you’re busy running your bigshot movie studio. I’ll keep this quick.
Well, me, the wif… Read More
2023-03-19 14:00
Shocking news from Middle-Earth today as Hobbiton legal firm, Bracegirdle & Proudfoot, announced a multi-million dollar lawsuit against the renowned wizard, Gandalf the Grey.
Proceedi… Read More
2023-03-18 14:00
Hello there, I see you glancing to and fro as salt air tussles your finely crafted mullet. Perhaps you’re curious about the absolutely biblical level of destruction engulfing your exis… Read More
2023-03-17 14:00
from: [email protected]
to: undisclosed-recipients date: Nov 27, 2022, 4:01 PM
subject: security check
Due to unauthorized activity on your account, please verify us your social security… Read More
2023-03-16 14:00
You scoff at the TV as hundreds of eager attendees lug their prized possessions around the Antiques Roadshow campus. The person struggling to carry a five-foot landscape painting – get… Read More
2023-03-16 00:55
I’m up! And guess what. So are you! We are up! We are playing! With that string, or that ball, or that other string. It doesn’t matter! You are playing with me now!… Read More
2023-03-13 21:44
There’s no denying that my generation is fully responsible for the proliferation of one of the greatest brunch items known to mankind: avocado toast. Take it from me, a childless Mille… Read More
2023-03-13 19:58
10. Will Smith Slaps Mel Brooks Over “Hancock” Dig – 2025
Will Smith got himself in hot water again when he interrupted Mel Brooks’ Lifetime Achievement Award acce… Read More
2023-03-13 01:01
We’re only 4 months in! Don’t give up yet! Maybe later! But not yet!
2022 was a doozy.
A real thought-it-was-a-fart-but-it-turned-out-to-actually-be a-shit kind of year. Ju… Read More
2023-03-12 03:21
Here are our picks for the films that should win the major categories at this Sunday’s Academy Awards:
Best Film Editing
The Banshees of Inisherin, Mikkel E.G. Nielsen
St… Read More
2023-03-11 02:31
Somewhere in North Jersey, in the cavernous bathroom of a more-money-than-taste mansion, Jon Bon Jovi blow-dries his hair and stares at himself in a mirror, his tresses and layers and waves… Read More
2023-03-10 04:15
At the butt-crack of dawn, I hoofed it down Palm Canyon Drive to beat the crowd at the Schultzbucks coffee dispensary. This was a “Reserve Roastery” where java sommeliers elegant… Read More
2023-03-09 02:52
Can you believe this guy? Look at him! I don’t care if he is wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses inside, I bet he don’t weigh a buck seventy soakin’ wet. And he just wa… Read More
2023-03-08 02:53
The scientists here at Robot Butt have been hard at work doing the impossible. Finally creating a perfect tier list of everything. We’ve entered our extensive research and now our… Read More
2023-03-06 23:38
In the Time It Takes the Smart TV to Start…
6,487 people fell in love.
468 beloved parents shuffled off this mortal coil.
Americans consumed 83,914 pieces of pizza.
Member… Read More
2023-03-06 04:16
Downsizing: we’re firing you because we don’t have enough spare cash to pay the CEO’s year-end bonus.
Restructuring: we can’t legally fire you, so we’re goin… Read More
2023-03-04 15:00
May
Are you there Margaret? It’s me, Junk Drawer. So, Allan (two-A’s-two-L’s) is here a lot lately. Like he moved in or something. Ha! Can you imagine?
Anyway, here&r&hell…Read More
2023-03-03 15:00
Over the holidays, I attended a funeral honoring the life of a family member born during the Great Depression. Several neglectful relatives were in charge of curating a playlist to celebrate… Read More
2023-03-02 21:14
Back in the late 19th and early 20th centuries, when people said things like pastime, simply passing the time and getting through the day were very important. People needed pastimes that… Read More
2023-03-02 15:00
Among the slew of new openings downtown is Insert Brewing Company. This follows the city’s efforts to revitalize the formerly economically depressed area in the western portion of the… Read More
2023-03-01 15:00
At this point, I want someone to drag me to hell.
When I started haunting the Shack, I would knock over one or two ketchup packets to start small. No one noticed. I flickered all of… Read More
2023-03-01 01:19
The scientists here at Robot Butt have been hard at work doing the impossible. Finally creating a perfect tier list of everything. We’ve entered our extensive research and now our… Read More
2023-02-27 23:54
There’s a reason teachers frame expectations in the positive sense, like “Show respect” or “Be kind.” The list of what not to do would be endless. But those ter… Read More
2023-02-27 03:37
An amicus brief opposing President Biden’s cancellation of up to $20,000 in student loan debt per borrower cites the hypothetical opinion of deceased actor John Wayne.
“The Du… Read More
2023-02-25 15:00
I don’t know about you, but I think we all have that memory of watching that scene from That’s So Raven where they’re at a dry cleaner and Raven gets into some mischief, en… Read More
2023-02-25 02:44
Thirteen days ago, my phone pinged: “Your Rx is now available for pick up.” I was 17 minutes into my daughter’s field hockey game; I was dreaming of the glass of sparkling… Read More
2023-02-23 23:13
Hi. I’m Ice T, and anybody that knows me knows that I don’t like pickles and I don’t like special sauce. The problem is not everybody knows me, so even Ice T gets a bad ord… Read More
2023-02-22 13:12
In an unprecedentedly bold move, a group of Big Pharma execs pushed for the permanent inclusion of at least four more letters to be added to the alphabet in the interest of increasing their… Read More
2023-02-22 02:45
The scientists here at Robot Butt have been hard at work doing the impossible. Finally creating a perfect tier list of everything. We’ve entered our extensive research and now our supe… Read More
2023-02-20 12:02
There’s certainly a temptation for new parents to scorn tiny onesie snaps. I’ve been there. I get it.
They’re small. They’re shaped in butt-to-crotch-to-torso-to-(… Read More
2023-02-20 02:39
Hello. I am here because retail therapy is not covered by my health insurance. Blue Cross should consider at least partially reimbursing me for my Amex bill because I don’t know any th… Read More
2023-02-19 00:27
The post Walt and Seth Explain the Debt Ceiling appeared first on Robot Butt Read More
2023-02-18 03:31
The post Just Some Normal Clothing Ads appeared first on Robot Butt Read More
2023-02-17 03:55
After 35 years and more than 13,000 performances, Andrew Lloyd Webber’s The Phantom of the Opera is ending on Broadway in April. As the musical finishes its historic run, the show&rsqu&hell…Read More
2023-02-16 02:17
I’ve never really been domestic. My mom never bought me an Easy Bake Oven because she didn’t want me eating cake all day and she always worked so I was never exposed to real cook… Read More
2023-02-14 23:16
As a gaming journalist, I am obligated to ask the important questions, no matter how much I don’t want to. That is why I have no choice but to finally ask, why did RARE make Candy Kong… Read More
2023-02-13 20:56
The post Thoughtful, Non-Sexual, Platonic Customized Mugs to Gift Your Therapist This Valentine’s Day appeared first on Robot Butt Read More
2023-02-12 22:26
The post Walt and Seth Explain the Super Bowl appeared first on Robot Butt Read More
2023-02-12 02:14
While the exchange of currency for someone to sing songs for two to three hours in the corner of a drinking establishment has always been a perplexing one, the allure of live music is strong… Read More
2023-02-10 20:43
Pfizer Points: If you were a fan of our somewhat effective COVID-19 vaccine, you’re going to love Pfizer Points. Save big money with Big Pharma where for every COVID-19 vaccine you get… Read More
2023-02-09 23:04
Don’t worry, on and off again-ers, we want your money too.Welcome to Couplets, a new music streaming experience unlike anything you’ve ever thrown your money at post-Napster. Cou… Read More
2023-02-08 15:00
1. Kat Dennings
The number one spot on our power rankings had to go to Kat Dennings, for her portrayal of our favorite broke girl, Max Brunette. We never get tired of her antics, such as… Read More
2023-02-07 23:58
In a truly bizarre coincidence, all the therapists you’ve ever had just happened to be at the same hotel bar during a psychologists’ convention. None of them is quite sure how th… Read More
2023-02-06 17:46
The Oscars, a film awards show that distributes namesake trophies with naked but penis-less men on them, is fast approaching. The nominees are being nominated, the stage is ready to be stage… Read More
2023-02-06 15:00
Being of sound mind, advancing years, and diminishing energy, I do hereby bequeath herein the entirety of my original personality to my heirs.
After perfecting it in my glorious yo… Read More
2023-02-06 00:13
There are mountains of GOP sponsored legislation targeting transgender youth currently being proposed or that have already passed recently. Just about every red state in the nation has propo… Read More
2023-02-05 02:47
111 – Intuition
Oh, so you think it’s time for a new beginning, huh? Maybe you could begin doing your own laundry. Maybe you could begin looking for an apa… Read More
2023-02-03 22:41
A shoplifter was caught on camera in the Lincoln park zoo gift shop. The footage from the shop’s security camera clearly shows that the thief carefully tucked a bobblehead of the Rober… Read More
2023-02-02 22:03
Hours, Pay and Benefits
DESPERATE CAT OWNER will be compensated in the form of company, cuteness and occasionally cuddles from APATHETIC CAT.
The standard hours of work for DESPERATE C… Read More
2023-02-01 15:00
I, Elisa, being of somewhat sound mind and body (it varies), not acting under duress or undue influence (unless you count the impending sense of overall doom and destruction from genera… Read More
2023-01-31 15:00
DORTHAN, AL — Those close to area teenager, Connor Lovett recently reported that the Westview High Senior and 3-time honor roll student was extremely distraught and downright shocked u… Read More
2023-01-30 15:00
The goddamn pinwheel icon spun in a loop. I couldn’t log in to the portfolio tracking program needed to perform my tasks. I clicked my mouse hard several times in a row, and even lifte… Read More
2023-01-29 19:26
The academy awards have been on a steady decline in viewership for years, and I think this is the year they finally hit bottom. AARP Magazine just released their winners for the 2023 “… Read More
2023-01-28 23:57
NORTH CAROLINA — According to a study by The Division of Child Development and Early Education, “vaping”, that is, the use of an electronic cigarette device that uses an at… Read More
2023-01-27 18:02
It’s me, Allan Stewart Konigsberg. You may know me better as Woody Allen (or America’s Sweetheart). I am most recognized for being an Academy Award-winning director, Grammy-winni… Read More
2023-01-27 00:57
Dear Sir,
I am delighted to submit my application for the position of your Second Wife. I am highly motivated to secure a rich husband and I believe you will find my tenacity to be utterl… Read More
2023-01-26 00:48
You know when you are supposed to be doing something productive and get sucked down a YouTube rabbit hole? You know, like, when you are supposed to prepare and publish engaging web content… Read More
2023-01-25 00:56
There are two things I know to be true about White Lotus.
It’s written by Survivor runner-up Mike White
I haven’t seen any of it
I personally don’t think either of th… Read More
2023-01-24 02:05
So, you were startled awake during the night (again) and are finally starting to believe that whatever is happening to you might just be supernatural after all. Well, congrats, accepting tha… Read More
2023-01-22 19:27
Not many people know this but…when Neil Armstrong came down that ladder in July 1969 and took “One small step for man”, he then paused for a split second before poetically… Read More
2023-01-21 15:00
CANOGA PARK –According to sources close to retired widower Ruth Snell – Farrell it was reported earlier this week that, unbeknownst to her immediate family, she is in possession… Read More
2023-01-20 15:00
My car broke down on the side of the road, and I do not have the money to get it fixed, so I think I have to go live in these woods now.
I don’t have AAA, but I do have a cheap tent… Read More
2023-01-19 15:00
The much-anticipated Second Coming of Jesus, originally scheduled for 2023, has been postponed according to sources close to Jesus ben Joseph of Nazareth— because the Prince of Light… Read More
2023-01-18 15:43
Before we get started, I’d like to thank Pete for nineteen incredible seasons here. I have no doubt he’ll do great things in Indiana, but he’ll always be a part of this fam… Read More
2023-01-17 22:00
PRESIDENT BIDEN FALLS ASLEEP DURING PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE
A spokesperson from the White House has confirmed a persistent rumor that US President Biden did indeed fall asleep during a debate… Read More
2023-01-17 01:01
In December 2009, MTV premiered a reality television show centering on the clubbing lifestyle of several Italian-Americans who identified themselves with guido/guidette gender pronouns. The… Read More
2023-01-15 15:00
In the new Happy Madison film “Home Team,” Sandlerverse regular and former mall enforcement officer Kevin James plays Sean Payton, the real-life coach of the New Orleans Saints f… Read More
2023-01-14 15:00
Last Words
he sociopathic originator of Gestalt Psychotherapy,
Fritz Perls, told a nurse,
“Don’t tell me what to do,”
and stopped breathing.
A friend told hi… Read More
2023-01-13 15:00
We caught up with the billionaire to hear what shenanigans he has in store for 2023.
Hmm… What do I want to work on in 2023? I mean, aren’t I already working on a lot? [Elon… Read More
2023-01-12 15:00
Very few people know this, but…Theodor Geisel, a.k.a. Doctor Seuss, and Tennessee Williams a.k.a. Tennessee Williams once decided to try a literary collaboration. It was in 1927, whil… Read More
2023-01-11 19:56
Colleagues and friends,
As many of you know, I was just part of the recent layoffs that have swept the tech, media, and Sam Bankman-Fried industries. Publicly, I am taking the oppor… Read More
2023-01-11 15:00
Hello, my name is Snap, and I don’t have much time. My brother Crackle is trying to break into my cottage. I’m starting to think I shouldn’t have had him cosign the lease… Read More
2023-01-10 15:00
There’s this great bit in the bible, I think maybe in the book of Genesis or Exesis, or something. I don’t own a Bible but I’m pretty sure it goes like this.
Then Pharao… Read More
2023-01-09 16:00
Hi!Welcome to the fitfulness gym, where your mind never gives it a rest!Let me show you our equipment so you can start your exercise in futility!
DreadmillThoughts running 100 miles an ho… Read More
2023-01-08 15:00
Atlantic City – In a move unprecedented in organized religion, the World Council of Religion, a theologically diverse panel designed to create an open dialog between faiths, has voted… Read More
2023-01-08 04:12
The post URGENT: PLEASE SHARE! POSTED TO THE MALIBU LAKE COMMUNITY BULLETIN BOARD appeared first on Robot Butt Read More
2023-01-07 02:44
The undefeated East Lake High Bobcats kept their streak alive last Friday with a huge 68 – 10 win against Midrow Park High’s Stinging Hornets. The win was due, at least in some p… Read More
2023-01-06 02:58
Holy cow! David? What are you doing here at the YMCA gym?
Every day? Huh, yeah, weird that I haven’t ever seen you in here. Yeah, it’s been forever. What’s been up? Been… Read More
2023-01-05 05:16
After maneuvering a squeaky cart with two broken wheels through the narrow aisles, you approach the grocery checkout with trepidation. You don’t want a pompous robot to berate you for… Read More
2023-01-04 00:37
Don’t do that
Righty tighty, lefty loosey
Swing with your hips
Jiggle the handle
Don’t tell anyone
Better tell someone
Get two just in case
Look in the close… Read More
2023-01-03 05:07
The three editors here at Robot Butt all have some wild resolutions and goals for 2023. Here are a few of the biggest.
First up is Robot Butt’s founder, the bad boy of Divvy bikes… Read More
2023-01-02 01:41
Well, I’m two years deep into wearing my Icelandic necropants now and all I have to say is this: I’m going for a third in a row. A year ago I wasn’t so sure I’d stick… Read More
2022-12-28 15:53
Like just about everyone else on the planet, I was utterly captivated this summer by Top Gun: Maverick, the thrilling sequel to the 1986 film starring Tom Cruise.
So when the movie finall… Read More
2022-12-26 20:31
In today’s uncertain world, the stresses of daily life are oftentimes hard to manage. And now, in the face of a new, three-pronged viral epidemic, it is becoming all the more difficult… Read More
2022-12-24 15:00
It’s that wonderful time of the year when families gather during the Christmas season. Praying together and donating to the poor…boring! Grab the kids and the least annoying rel… Read More
2022-12-23 15:00
“I say—you there, boy!”
“Yes, sir?”
“You know that gigantic goose hanging in the poulter’s shop around the corner?”
“You mean t… Read More
2022-12-21 18:00
I knew I shouldn’t have come tonight. I had a bad feeling about it from the jump, but I still let myself get bullied into joining you. I told you your relatives would act weird about y… Read More
2022-12-21 15:00
KAKARIKO, HY—A ruckus erupted in the west side village this weekend amid rising tensions between supporters of the region’s previous administration and their political foes. Acco… Read More
2022-12-20 15:00
Hi there! Thanks for joining us today. My name’s Craig Claus (no relation) and I’ll be your guide today.
If you’re here, it’s because you’ve been cast as a c… Read More
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